I have been meaning to do something special for all the wonderful support people in my life. But, I had no idea what I could possibly do to show my appreciation, and gratitude. I owe so much to each and everyone of you, I don't know how I could ever repay you.
So, this blog is dedicated to all my family and friends, who have been a huge part of my journey thus far.
Mom and Dad:
I know this hasn't been easy on you, I know it came as a huge shock, but thank you for not abandoning me in my time of need. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but you have amazed me with the way you have cared for me and loved me through it all. I wouldn't have been able to get through some of the hardest parts, without your shoulder to cry on. I love you and I am so grateful to have you in my life.
Brothers & Sisters:
There are too many of you to thank individually. But, you have all been such great supports, in so many different ways. I cannot thank you enough! Thank you for loving me and being there for me to lean on and talk to. Thank you for calling and checking in on me. You don't know how much it means to me, and it always seems to be when I need it most. I know I am not always the easiest person to love, but you love me anyway, and I am so happy to have all of you by my side. I love you so much!
Eric and Tracy:
Where to even begin?? Eric, I think there is a reason we have always been so close. I think you were meant to witness the other side of adoption through me, and you and Tracy were both placed in my life to help me through it. You both have been tremendous support, and I am so grateful that we are family. I love you both more than you know.
Shaley:
I can't imagine being able to get through this without you. We've had our ups and downs, but you have really been there for me more than I ever expected of you. I couldn't ask for a better, non-judgemental, hilarious, and loving friend than you. I want you to know, I will be there for you anytime you need me. I love you tons!
Miguel:
You were the first out of our group of friends to know. You didn't judge me, but comforted me. I've always felt like you were someone I could talk to, and go to for a listening ear. For that I am grateful. You're a great friend and I love ya.
Mickele:
You weren't here to experience everything in person, but the fact that I felt comfortable enough to write you and let you know what was going on means a lot. Your words always brought be great comfort, and I'm super stoked to have you as my roommate now. We're going to have a blast! Love you chica!
To all the Friends (Jason, Michelle, Nate, Chelley):
Thanks for letting me tag a long even at 9 months pregnant. Thanks for always being there for me. You made the last year a lot easier, and I love all of you.
Jess and Heather:
You two have truly inspired me. You have helped me through in ways that you don't even know. Thanks for being there when I need someone who will really understand how I am feeling, and gets why I am feeling the way that I am. I love you both so much and am so glad you are in my life now.
Hannah and Jess:
I think we all need each other a lot right now. I want you to know I am here for you any time you need me. Its been good for me to get to know you and become such great friends. Like I have said before, I think we will always have a lasting friendship. I love you to pieces!
The list could go on and on. So many of you have been such tremendous supports and played a huge role in my journey. There is no way at all that I would be standing where I am today, and pressing forward without all of the love and support I have received. I never expected it, but I am beyond grateful for it. Its going to be a bumpy road for a little while, and I am thankful for the patience and understanding. I am surviving and will continue to survive. I have all of you to thank for that. I cannot express the love I have for each and every one of you! Thank you!
Love,
Lindsey
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
Courage
Three months into 2013 my life had completely changed over night. It was a change that I wasn't proud of, and a change that I didn't want people to know about. Unfortunately, it wasn't something that I could hide for very long, and eventually became something that I could no longer deny was happening. I was single and pregnant, and other than close friends and family I never intended on telling anyone. I planned on hiding and avoiding people at all costs. If I saw someone I knew at the store, I would quickly duck my head, turn, and walk the other way as fast as I could. I didn't want to explain myself, and most of all I feared judgement. I'll admit it, I was ashamed of myself.
Early into my second trimester I made the decision to place my baby for adoption. It was a hard, painful decision, and probably the most selfless decision I have ever made in my life. I was putting my baby first, but I still didn't want people to know. It's something very personal, sacred, and painful. Why should I have to explain myself, and deal with people who I was sure would judge me? So, I went on pretending life was normal, like nothing HUGE was happening in my life.
In mid October, my little brother got home from his mission. I was 8 months pregnant and he was to report on his mission at my old home ward in Fruit Heights. I knew if I went, there would be people there that I absolutely didn't want to see. So, I contemplated going, but in the end decided to go and support my brother. I stayed seated for most of the time and avoided eye contact with pretty much everyone. As soon as sacrament ended, I bolted out of there. But, I knew that people had seen me. My mom got questioned and I knew I couldn't keep hiding.
A week after that, a month before my due date I did something I never thought I would do. I made myself vulnerable, and I opened up about my story and what was happening in my life. I shared it on my blog and posted it to Facebook. I was terrified of all the negative comments I was going to get, but mostly I was sure no one would read it. I was tired of being ashamed, and I realized that I had no reason to be, because I was doing something amazing that not many people can do. It was shaping my life, and turning me into a stronger, more courageous woman. What's there to be ashamed of?
I was amazed at all the love, support, and positive comments I received. No judgement at all! I was completely shocked, but so relieved. I felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders. I didn't have to keep hiding, and it felt so liberating! From that day on I decided to share my story, as hard as it might be. I still have a hard time with it, especially now that I have placed. Three months from placement and it's still so very fresh, and sharing brings up a lot of pain but, I also find it to be somewhat healing and therapeutic. So, I will continue to share in hopes that my story, and my journey can touch others and help them in their own lives. It has truly been an amazing, spiritual experience and hardship, and I wouldn't take it back.
Early into my second trimester I made the decision to place my baby for adoption. It was a hard, painful decision, and probably the most selfless decision I have ever made in my life. I was putting my baby first, but I still didn't want people to know. It's something very personal, sacred, and painful. Why should I have to explain myself, and deal with people who I was sure would judge me? So, I went on pretending life was normal, like nothing HUGE was happening in my life.
In mid October, my little brother got home from his mission. I was 8 months pregnant and he was to report on his mission at my old home ward in Fruit Heights. I knew if I went, there would be people there that I absolutely didn't want to see. So, I contemplated going, but in the end decided to go and support my brother. I stayed seated for most of the time and avoided eye contact with pretty much everyone. As soon as sacrament ended, I bolted out of there. But, I knew that people had seen me. My mom got questioned and I knew I couldn't keep hiding.
A week after that, a month before my due date I did something I never thought I would do. I made myself vulnerable, and I opened up about my story and what was happening in my life. I shared it on my blog and posted it to Facebook. I was terrified of all the negative comments I was going to get, but mostly I was sure no one would read it. I was tired of being ashamed, and I realized that I had no reason to be, because I was doing something amazing that not many people can do. It was shaping my life, and turning me into a stronger, more courageous woman. What's there to be ashamed of?
I was amazed at all the love, support, and positive comments I received. No judgement at all! I was completely shocked, but so relieved. I felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders. I didn't have to keep hiding, and it felt so liberating! From that day on I decided to share my story, as hard as it might be. I still have a hard time with it, especially now that I have placed. Three months from placement and it's still so very fresh, and sharing brings up a lot of pain but, I also find it to be somewhat healing and therapeutic. So, I will continue to share in hopes that my story, and my journey can touch others and help them in their own lives. It has truly been an amazing, spiritual experience and hardship, and I wouldn't take it back.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
My Journey
The early morning of March 23, 2013 I came home from a movie, and in my purse awaiting my fate was a pregnancy test. I took the test and watched, as the result to the scariest test of my life, slowly appeared. As a blue plus sign appeared my heart sank, I was single and dating a guy that I was sure that I did not love. Terrified, I collapsed to the floor in tears. What in the world was I going to do? I couldn't tell my parents, not yet. I was so alone! How could I have been so stupid and irresponsible? I prayed and prayed that it wasn't real. This is not how I wanted to bring a child into the world. I never in my life imagined this happening to me!
A month went by before I could bring myself to tell my parents. I had already told two of my brothers and my cousin, because of course I needed some support. My oldest brother went with me to tell my parents. I am a people pleaser, I HATE to disappoint anyone, especially my parents. I can tell you that's one conversation I never want to have again. It was so hard to tell what they were thinking, but I know it wasn't what they were expecting, because lets face it I'm an ANGEL ;) They were upset that they weren't the first to know, but like I said I didn't want to disappoint them, so I wanted to make sure it was really all happening before I could tell them. There were times that I would have given anything for a miscarriage. I knew that it would have been hard, but I thought it would be better than bringing a life into the world that I wasn't ready for and with a guy that I didn't want to be with. I was afraid that I would be getting married and having a baby all in one year. But thankfully I realized how unhappy I was in the relationship I was in.
I was living in Salt Lake City, and my parents told me that I should move home with them. So, in May I moved home. I knew abortion was never an option for me. I have wanted to be a mom basically my entire life, I just never wanted it to be this way. I didn't have any idea what I was going to do. Abortion was out, marriage was out, so that left single parenting, or adoption. I made an appointment with a case worker at LDS Family Services, and me and my mom went to become educated in all of my options as a single mom to be. She informed us that there were classes for single parenting, and support groups for both single parents and birth parents. She also let us know, that it was completely my decision and that they would be there to help in whatever I decided. And after the baby was born they weren't going to just forget about me and leave me on my own. I would say that is when my journey began, and when my life really started to change.
I started meeting every other week with my case worker. Each time she would give me homework, she had me weigh the pros and cons of single parenting and adoption, she had me go shopping as though I had a brand new baby and write down the prices of everything, and then I had to put a budget together. I was so torn because I knew financially and emotionally I wasn't ready to take care of a child on my own, but I have wanted to be a mom for so long. My patriarchal blessing says that my calling in life is to be a mom, and lets be honest, I'm not getting any younger. I'm in my late twenties now, I could really do this if I wanted to.
I went to my 12 week appointment and heard the heart beat for the first time, and I started to cry. There was a living person growing inside of me. This was really happening! As if I really needed one more thing to make this harder on me. My love for my child grew so much more at that time.
Shortly after that, I believe it was the first part of June, I went to my first support group. I had been meeting with my case worker for a few weeks but had yet to go to any of the support groups. This one was a special one. They had a panel of birth mothers telling their stories, and all the hopeful adoptive couples were required to be there to hear their stories. For me it was very emotional listening to their stories and feeling of the love they had for their children. It had changed each and every one of them in so many ways. As I listened to them, I thought in my mind 'Is this what I want for my child? This baby deserves so much more than I can give to him/her. I want to be someone he/she can be proud of, am I really in a good place to take care of this baby?' My heart ached. I left quickly after it ended and drove home in tears. I felt like I knew what I was supposed to do. I thought that was my answer, but I wasn't sure, I don't think I wanted that to be it. So, I went home and cried to my mom. Then I went into my room and knelt down and prayed for confirmation and peace. I really just wanted my answer right then, I wanted to know FOR SURE! The next day, I felt more at peace but still wasn't sure if I had gotten my answer. I was expecting something more than peace, but then my sister told me that sometimes that's all it is. If I had made the wrong decision then God would let me know and he wouldn't let me continue on in the wrong decision.
The next week I met with my case worker and let her know that I had chosen to place my baby for adoption. She had me start looking at adoptive couples and sent me home with different birth mom stories to read. I had a few couples that I was interested in but was scared to email any of them. I was afraid of this next decision of finding the perfect couple for my baby.
Then one day I was at work and my coworker was helping me look through them, and she sent me Jeff and Jenny's profile. I really liked them, something just clicked and I felt a connection with them. So without even talking to my case worker I emailed them. She was so excited to hear from me and I was so excited that she was excited! I thought I should try talking to some other couples to just compare, for some reason though, I just kept thinking of my baby living with them. So we kept emailing back and forth and I told them I would let them know when I found out what I was having.
July came, and it was time for my 20 week ultrasound. I was so excited to find out what I was having, I didn't even think about how hard it was going to be. I loved seeing my baby, again it became so real, I had life inside of me. Then when the tech told me I was having a boy, I couldn't help but cry. This boy wasn't going to be mine to raise. My mom held my hand and we cried together. I can't describe the feelings of joy and sadness that I felt all at once.
In August I met with Jeff and Jenny, it was so comfortable and they were so great! I walked away feeling like I knew they were who I wanted to place my baby boy with. I couldn't wait to tell them, I wanted to find a cute way to let them know, and since they were far away I just put together an e-card and had my dad write a poem letting them know that I chose them. They were so excited, and it felt so good to know of the gift I was giving to them. It all felt so bittersweet.
The next step was getting the birth father to cooperate and sign papers. But I hadn't heard from him since June when I told him that I was planning to place. He thought that I didn't want the baby and that it wasn't my decision to make a lone. But when I asked him to call LDS Family services he never did and I never heard from him. So, he was sent a letter stating he had 30 days to assert his rights, and if he didn't file paper work in that time then his rights would be terminated. Those 30 days were very stressful for me, I was filled with anxiety. I didn't want him to ruin this for me, it was already hard enough as it was. But the deadline came and he never did anything. However, a week later I heard from both his mom and his sister. They weren't about to let it be over. They wanted to adopt my baby. Not understanding at all my reasoning for my decision. They also believed that it was that I didn't want my baby. How wrong they were. How could someone just assume that I didn't love my child? I love my baby more than life itself which is why I am putting his needs first. Anyway, to make a long story short, I dealt with them for a couple of weeks, and finally by some miracle they dropped it. I never heard from them again.
By this time I only have a few more weeks left. My due date was November 24th (my birthday). I was getting really anxious to be done with all the discomfort. I was anxious for the unknown, I wanted to know when he was going to come. I wanted to meet him, and I wanted, what I thought would be the hardest part, to be over.
During all of this time, I was so grateful for the people at group, and all of the amazing birth moms I had met. I felt like they were helping me get through this process, and I don't know how I would have gotten through some of my fears without them. It was such a blessing to be able to get advice and bounce ideas off people who had already been through what I was about to go through. These women are truly amazing and I know God put them in my life to help me through.
At 38 weeks I was dilated 2cm and 60% effaced, everyone was sure that he was going to come any day. But I went another week, and I was still about the same at 39 weeks. They were all shocked that I was at group that week. Sunday was my birthday/due date, and still no baby.
Two days later on Tuesday November 26, 2013 I woke up at 2:30 not feeling well. I got up and went into the bathroom, and when I laid back down, I started having contractions. I grabbed my phone and started to time them. I waited about an hour before I went in an woke up my mom. They weren't terribly consistent but they weren't very far apart either. At about 4:30 we left for the hospital. When they checked me I was dilated 4cm and about 70% effaced, in active labor, thank goodness (I really didn't want to be sent home).
They admitted me, but my contractions stayed 2-3 mins apart for a few hours. Then they broke my water and started me on pitocin. After that things progressed pretty quickly and at 3:16 pm, my beautiful baby boy was born. All I could do was cry. I don't remember seeing him until the nurse handed him to me, but he was perfect, and I cried some more.
They moved me to another room, and I was so tired that I could barley even comprehend what just happened. Did I really just have a baby? They gave me some skin on skin time with him and he just clung to me. The pediatrician came in to check him and he didn't want to be moved. We were both so comfortable. It felt so natural to have him snuggled up to me.
It still hadn't really hit me, I was still trying to process everything. I didn't get much sleep that night, I was up with him a lot. Every noise he made I felt like I needed check on him. But he wasn't upset, he was just making noises most of the time perfectly content, unless he was hungry.
The next day, my whole family came to be with me while I signed papers. My mind was finally starting to process. Yes, I just gave birth to the sweetest baby ever, and I only get these couple of days with him as MY baby boy, My Buddy! My dad and brothers gave me a blessing right before I signed. As my case worker was reading the papers to me and I was acknowledging that I understood, that's when I really started to feel the pain and the ache in my heart. I'm signing away my parental rights to my boy, my perfect baby boy! The tears started to flow, and I could barely see as I was signing each line. When I was done, my family surrounded me, held my hand, hugged and comforted me as I cried. My family and I spent time with him that day, while the couple was doing all of their paperwork. He was mine until the next day at discharge and placement.
I spent most of that night awake with him, holding him and loving him. My family came back that morning (Thanksgiving) to be with me and to say goodbye. I sent everyone out of the room, to give me time to be alone with him. I told him how much I loved him, and that I was doing this for him, to give him a better chance at life, to have both a mom and dad who love him. I held him close, and never wanted to let him go. I fell completely in love, head over heels for My Buddy. I have never felt so much love for anyone in my entire life.
My family and Jeff and Jenny came back in. They were just finishing up our discharge, and going over everything with Jeff and Jenny, and then I knew it was time. I let my family say their goodbyes, I kissed my baby boy one last time and handed him to his new mom. We watched as they put him in his car seat, and walked out the door. My heart was completely broken. As soon as the door closed I broke down, my mom and sister were basically holding me up. He was gone, my Buddy was gone and I wanted him back. My dad and brothers hugged me, and we got ready to leave. At this point, nothing could stop the tears. I missed him already. I wasn't sure if I would ever get over the pain.
It has been 8 weeks, he will be 2 months old on Sunday. I can't believe how fast time flies. It feels like just yesterday. It still hurts every day, but its getting a little easier. I have my triggers, and I miss him like crazy, but I survived and I am learning to get through it. My adoption is semi-open with pics and emails occasionally, and I hope to be able to see him sometime when I am ready. It has been a little hard to get pictures, because I just want to be with him. But I know he is with good people in a good home. It doesn't always make it any easier, but I did this because I love him and I know he will always know of my love.
I wouldn't have been able to get through this without the love and support of so many people. My family, friends, my birth mom friends, and my Heavenly Father. I would be so lost without them.
My sweet boy has changed my life forever. He has made me a better, stronger person, and I owe so much to him. He is my world, and I only hope that one day he will be proud to call me his Birth mom.
I love you so very very much sweet boy.
Love your Birth Momma Lindsey
A month went by before I could bring myself to tell my parents. I had already told two of my brothers and my cousin, because of course I needed some support. My oldest brother went with me to tell my parents. I am a people pleaser, I HATE to disappoint anyone, especially my parents. I can tell you that's one conversation I never want to have again. It was so hard to tell what they were thinking, but I know it wasn't what they were expecting, because lets face it I'm an ANGEL ;) They were upset that they weren't the first to know, but like I said I didn't want to disappoint them, so I wanted to make sure it was really all happening before I could tell them. There were times that I would have given anything for a miscarriage. I knew that it would have been hard, but I thought it would be better than bringing a life into the world that I wasn't ready for and with a guy that I didn't want to be with. I was afraid that I would be getting married and having a baby all in one year. But thankfully I realized how unhappy I was in the relationship I was in.
I was living in Salt Lake City, and my parents told me that I should move home with them. So, in May I moved home. I knew abortion was never an option for me. I have wanted to be a mom basically my entire life, I just never wanted it to be this way. I didn't have any idea what I was going to do. Abortion was out, marriage was out, so that left single parenting, or adoption. I made an appointment with a case worker at LDS Family Services, and me and my mom went to become educated in all of my options as a single mom to be. She informed us that there were classes for single parenting, and support groups for both single parents and birth parents. She also let us know, that it was completely my decision and that they would be there to help in whatever I decided. And after the baby was born they weren't going to just forget about me and leave me on my own. I would say that is when my journey began, and when my life really started to change.
I started meeting every other week with my case worker. Each time she would give me homework, she had me weigh the pros and cons of single parenting and adoption, she had me go shopping as though I had a brand new baby and write down the prices of everything, and then I had to put a budget together. I was so torn because I knew financially and emotionally I wasn't ready to take care of a child on my own, but I have wanted to be a mom for so long. My patriarchal blessing says that my calling in life is to be a mom, and lets be honest, I'm not getting any younger. I'm in my late twenties now, I could really do this if I wanted to.
I went to my 12 week appointment and heard the heart beat for the first time, and I started to cry. There was a living person growing inside of me. This was really happening! As if I really needed one more thing to make this harder on me. My love for my child grew so much more at that time.
Shortly after that, I believe it was the first part of June, I went to my first support group. I had been meeting with my case worker for a few weeks but had yet to go to any of the support groups. This one was a special one. They had a panel of birth mothers telling their stories, and all the hopeful adoptive couples were required to be there to hear their stories. For me it was very emotional listening to their stories and feeling of the love they had for their children. It had changed each and every one of them in so many ways. As I listened to them, I thought in my mind 'Is this what I want for my child? This baby deserves so much more than I can give to him/her. I want to be someone he/she can be proud of, am I really in a good place to take care of this baby?' My heart ached. I left quickly after it ended and drove home in tears. I felt like I knew what I was supposed to do. I thought that was my answer, but I wasn't sure, I don't think I wanted that to be it. So, I went home and cried to my mom. Then I went into my room and knelt down and prayed for confirmation and peace. I really just wanted my answer right then, I wanted to know FOR SURE! The next day, I felt more at peace but still wasn't sure if I had gotten my answer. I was expecting something more than peace, but then my sister told me that sometimes that's all it is. If I had made the wrong decision then God would let me know and he wouldn't let me continue on in the wrong decision.
The next week I met with my case worker and let her know that I had chosen to place my baby for adoption. She had me start looking at adoptive couples and sent me home with different birth mom stories to read. I had a few couples that I was interested in but was scared to email any of them. I was afraid of this next decision of finding the perfect couple for my baby.
Then one day I was at work and my coworker was helping me look through them, and she sent me Jeff and Jenny's profile. I really liked them, something just clicked and I felt a connection with them. So without even talking to my case worker I emailed them. She was so excited to hear from me and I was so excited that she was excited! I thought I should try talking to some other couples to just compare, for some reason though, I just kept thinking of my baby living with them. So we kept emailing back and forth and I told them I would let them know when I found out what I was having.
July came, and it was time for my 20 week ultrasound. I was so excited to find out what I was having, I didn't even think about how hard it was going to be. I loved seeing my baby, again it became so real, I had life inside of me. Then when the tech told me I was having a boy, I couldn't help but cry. This boy wasn't going to be mine to raise. My mom held my hand and we cried together. I can't describe the feelings of joy and sadness that I felt all at once.
In August I met with Jeff and Jenny, it was so comfortable and they were so great! I walked away feeling like I knew they were who I wanted to place my baby boy with. I couldn't wait to tell them, I wanted to find a cute way to let them know, and since they were far away I just put together an e-card and had my dad write a poem letting them know that I chose them. They were so excited, and it felt so good to know of the gift I was giving to them. It all felt so bittersweet.
The next step was getting the birth father to cooperate and sign papers. But I hadn't heard from him since June when I told him that I was planning to place. He thought that I didn't want the baby and that it wasn't my decision to make a lone. But when I asked him to call LDS Family services he never did and I never heard from him. So, he was sent a letter stating he had 30 days to assert his rights, and if he didn't file paper work in that time then his rights would be terminated. Those 30 days were very stressful for me, I was filled with anxiety. I didn't want him to ruin this for me, it was already hard enough as it was. But the deadline came and he never did anything. However, a week later I heard from both his mom and his sister. They weren't about to let it be over. They wanted to adopt my baby. Not understanding at all my reasoning for my decision. They also believed that it was that I didn't want my baby. How wrong they were. How could someone just assume that I didn't love my child? I love my baby more than life itself which is why I am putting his needs first. Anyway, to make a long story short, I dealt with them for a couple of weeks, and finally by some miracle they dropped it. I never heard from them again.
By this time I only have a few more weeks left. My due date was November 24th (my birthday). I was getting really anxious to be done with all the discomfort. I was anxious for the unknown, I wanted to know when he was going to come. I wanted to meet him, and I wanted, what I thought would be the hardest part, to be over.
During all of this time, I was so grateful for the people at group, and all of the amazing birth moms I had met. I felt like they were helping me get through this process, and I don't know how I would have gotten through some of my fears without them. It was such a blessing to be able to get advice and bounce ideas off people who had already been through what I was about to go through. These women are truly amazing and I know God put them in my life to help me through.
At 38 weeks I was dilated 2cm and 60% effaced, everyone was sure that he was going to come any day. But I went another week, and I was still about the same at 39 weeks. They were all shocked that I was at group that week. Sunday was my birthday/due date, and still no baby.
Two days later on Tuesday November 26, 2013 I woke up at 2:30 not feeling well. I got up and went into the bathroom, and when I laid back down, I started having contractions. I grabbed my phone and started to time them. I waited about an hour before I went in an woke up my mom. They weren't terribly consistent but they weren't very far apart either. At about 4:30 we left for the hospital. When they checked me I was dilated 4cm and about 70% effaced, in active labor, thank goodness (I really didn't want to be sent home).
They admitted me, but my contractions stayed 2-3 mins apart for a few hours. Then they broke my water and started me on pitocin. After that things progressed pretty quickly and at 3:16 pm, my beautiful baby boy was born. All I could do was cry. I don't remember seeing him until the nurse handed him to me, but he was perfect, and I cried some more.
They moved me to another room, and I was so tired that I could barley even comprehend what just happened. Did I really just have a baby? They gave me some skin on skin time with him and he just clung to me. The pediatrician came in to check him and he didn't want to be moved. We were both so comfortable. It felt so natural to have him snuggled up to me.
It still hadn't really hit me, I was still trying to process everything. I didn't get much sleep that night, I was up with him a lot. Every noise he made I felt like I needed check on him. But he wasn't upset, he was just making noises most of the time perfectly content, unless he was hungry.
The next day, my whole family came to be with me while I signed papers. My mind was finally starting to process. Yes, I just gave birth to the sweetest baby ever, and I only get these couple of days with him as MY baby boy, My Buddy! My dad and brothers gave me a blessing right before I signed. As my case worker was reading the papers to me and I was acknowledging that I understood, that's when I really started to feel the pain and the ache in my heart. I'm signing away my parental rights to my boy, my perfect baby boy! The tears started to flow, and I could barely see as I was signing each line. When I was done, my family surrounded me, held my hand, hugged and comforted me as I cried. My family and I spent time with him that day, while the couple was doing all of their paperwork. He was mine until the next day at discharge and placement.
I spent most of that night awake with him, holding him and loving him. My family came back that morning (Thanksgiving) to be with me and to say goodbye. I sent everyone out of the room, to give me time to be alone with him. I told him how much I loved him, and that I was doing this for him, to give him a better chance at life, to have both a mom and dad who love him. I held him close, and never wanted to let him go. I fell completely in love, head over heels for My Buddy. I have never felt so much love for anyone in my entire life.
My family and Jeff and Jenny came back in. They were just finishing up our discharge, and going over everything with Jeff and Jenny, and then I knew it was time. I let my family say their goodbyes, I kissed my baby boy one last time and handed him to his new mom. We watched as they put him in his car seat, and walked out the door. My heart was completely broken. As soon as the door closed I broke down, my mom and sister were basically holding me up. He was gone, my Buddy was gone and I wanted him back. My dad and brothers hugged me, and we got ready to leave. At this point, nothing could stop the tears. I missed him already. I wasn't sure if I would ever get over the pain.
It has been 8 weeks, he will be 2 months old on Sunday. I can't believe how fast time flies. It feels like just yesterday. It still hurts every day, but its getting a little easier. I have my triggers, and I miss him like crazy, but I survived and I am learning to get through it. My adoption is semi-open with pics and emails occasionally, and I hope to be able to see him sometime when I am ready. It has been a little hard to get pictures, because I just want to be with him. But I know he is with good people in a good home. It doesn't always make it any easier, but I did this because I love him and I know he will always know of my love.
I wouldn't have been able to get through this without the love and support of so many people. My family, friends, my birth mom friends, and my Heavenly Father. I would be so lost without them.
My sweet boy has changed my life forever. He has made me a better, stronger person, and I owe so much to him. He is my world, and I only hope that one day he will be proud to call me his Birth mom.
I love you so very very much sweet boy.
Love your Birth Momma Lindsey
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Here's to a New Year, and a New Starting Point
One month ago, I gave birth to the most precious, beautiful and perfect baby boy you could imagine. Two days later I placed him in the arms of his new mother, leaving me with a gaping hole in my heart. Watching my baby leave, and going home empty handed is the hardest thing I will ever do! But, I got to spend two of the most amazing days of my life loving on him, holding him, being his mom, and watching my family come together. He is loved by so many!
I miss him so much. I see others with small babies and I want to cry. I really don't like those of you with babies or having babies. I don't say that to be mean, I will get over it, but for now I don't like you because it hurts, and its a reminder of what I had and no longer have.
This first month has been incredibly hard for me. A lot harder than I ever imagined. I have felt every emotion possible and I have had to remind myself why I did this. It wasn't because I didn't love him or want him. Could I have taken care of him? Yes, I could have. But I wanted to give him a life that I couldn't provide, a life with two loving parents who could provide for his needs better than I. It kills me every day, that I couldn't be the one to give my sweet boy that life. But he is in a good home, with great people who I love and know will be good to him. I know he is safe and loved and that brings me peace.
For whatever reason, God chose me to bring Baby J to Jeff and Jenny. Despite the pain, I have learned so much about love and sacrifice. If I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't have chosen a better life for him. As I have been pondering the life of our Savior the last few days, I have realized that - although I feel alone and no one could possibly understand what I am going through- the Savior truly has felt my pain. Not only that, but Our Father in Heaven too knows of my pain, as his son died on a cross for all of us. Though not everyone may believe, I have had it reaffirmed to me as I felt of their love at a time when I was feeling alone and unsure. I will undoubtably still feel an aching, and emptiness, but through God and our Savior I will heal a little each day. He has placed many people in my life who have been great blessings, and have been there for me and still are there for me every step of the way.
I recieved a blessing from my dad before signing adoption papers; here is part of it "I bless you to see that this is not an ending, but a starting point. This is a beautiful time for you. You are loved by many people her on earth and you are loved by God our Father." It has been a good reminder for me, that not only did I make this decision out of complete love for Baby J, but for me as well. So that I could take charge of my own life, and be a person that he can be proud to call his Birth mom .
So, let 2014 be my starting point.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Due date is fast approaching!
Two weeks from yesterday is when this little boy is supposed to make his appearance. This last month has been really hard on me physically, but I am starting to feel it even more emotionally now.
I have been waiting, for what feels like an eternity, for this roller coaster to end. I want to be able to breath normally, WALK normally, and just feel normal again. I have enjoyed feeling his movements and being able to bond with him, but I am to that point of discomfort where the end is just so much more appealing.
In the last couple of days, as the time is drawing closer, I have realized that my time with this sweet boy is coming to an end. I have always known that it would come, and that it was going to be extremely hard, but I don't know that I have ever really let myself think too much about what it will look like. Maybe, I have been trying to avoid anymore pain by trying to make the best of the situation.
Suddenly, I feel even less prepared than I did before. I'm not only afraid of the unknown of delivery but of the unknown emotions that are going to be there and be very real. I imagine there will be emotions that I have not yet felt, and it makes me a little nervous.
I still have no doubts in my mind that what I am doing is the right thing for my baby boy. But, I have to come to terms with the fact that it will be hard, and its not going to get easier over night. The pain will still be there, long after placement, and some days will be better than others. The thing I have to remember is that I have family and friends that love me and are there for me. Even more importantly that I have a Father in Heaven who has not left my side once, even at times when I haven't always made him a priority in my life.
There were times in the beginning that I would have given anything for a miscarriage. I knew I would be sad, but it would have saved me from telling my family, and avoiding all of this heartache. But that would have been the easy way out, and what would I have learned from that? Would I still be the same person I was? Would I have grown at all? Probably not, and the Lord knew that I needed this, and he knew that I could do it (with his help). So, I have to carry on and be strong for this child.
Sorry, for all the baby talk, but it's kind of all that's ever on my mind lately. He is my life right now, THIS is my life right now. I am extremely blessed, despite the hurt. I'm proud to be his birth mom :)
I have been waiting, for what feels like an eternity, for this roller coaster to end. I want to be able to breath normally, WALK normally, and just feel normal again. I have enjoyed feeling his movements and being able to bond with him, but I am to that point of discomfort where the end is just so much more appealing.
In the last couple of days, as the time is drawing closer, I have realized that my time with this sweet boy is coming to an end. I have always known that it would come, and that it was going to be extremely hard, but I don't know that I have ever really let myself think too much about what it will look like. Maybe, I have been trying to avoid anymore pain by trying to make the best of the situation.
Suddenly, I feel even less prepared than I did before. I'm not only afraid of the unknown of delivery but of the unknown emotions that are going to be there and be very real. I imagine there will be emotions that I have not yet felt, and it makes me a little nervous.
I still have no doubts in my mind that what I am doing is the right thing for my baby boy. But, I have to come to terms with the fact that it will be hard, and its not going to get easier over night. The pain will still be there, long after placement, and some days will be better than others. The thing I have to remember is that I have family and friends that love me and are there for me. Even more importantly that I have a Father in Heaven who has not left my side once, even at times when I haven't always made him a priority in my life.
There were times in the beginning that I would have given anything for a miscarriage. I knew I would be sad, but it would have saved me from telling my family, and avoiding all of this heartache. But that would have been the easy way out, and what would I have learned from that? Would I still be the same person I was? Would I have grown at all? Probably not, and the Lord knew that I needed this, and he knew that I could do it (with his help). So, I have to carry on and be strong for this child.
Sorry, for all the baby talk, but it's kind of all that's ever on my mind lately. He is my life right now, THIS is my life right now. I am extremely blessed, despite the hurt. I'm proud to be his birth mom :)
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Ultimate Sacrifice
Around 2:00 am on a Saturday morning about 8 months ago, my life drastically changed. Single and living in Salt Lake City I had just found out that I was pregnant. I felt like my world had crumbled beneath me. As Juno would say "That little pink plus sign is so unholy." Only in my case it was a blue plus sign, and yes it was so unholy. I was terrified, and had no idea what to do or who to tell. Never in my life had I imagined this happening to me. I was so afraid to tell my parents and see their disappointment. I literally have never felt more alone and scared in my life. All I can remember is calapsing to the ground in tears and praying that it wasn't real. As soon as I gained some control of my emotions I sent a text to my cousins wife. I knew I could trust them and they wouldn't judge me in anyway. Being in Utah and an active member of the LDS church, judgement is what I was most afraid of.
After a sleepless night, I went to my cousins house to seek comfort and advice. My cousin then took me to the dollar store to get 5 more pregnancy tests. All were positive. After spending the entire day with them, I went home and prayed for comfort. I just needed to know that I would be ok, and I did feel that comfort. I still had no idea what I was going to do. It was a couple weeks before I told anyone else in my family. I called my brother who I have always been really close with and told him. He and his wife suggested that I tell my older brother so that I had some support close by. It was another week or two before I told him, and then another week before I told my parents. During all of this, my first thought was that I would keep the baby and try to make things with the father work. But I was so unhappy with him, I knew I couldn't do it. The same day that I told my parents, I broke up with him. Shortly after that I moved back in with my parents.
Still unsure of what I was going to do, I met with LDS Family Services. They went over all of my options and educated me in each. There was no pressure in which direction I should take. The decision was all mine. If I wanted to single parent they would help me single parent, if I wanted to place for adoption they would help me with that as well. Abortion was never an option for me. So, my journey began.
I started meeting with my case worker. She would give me things to do to try and help me with making a decision. I weighed the pros and cons of each, but it was still hard to try and make that decision. I had always wanted to be a mom, but I never wanted it to be this way. I knew it was going to be hard to single parent. I was barely making enough to live on my own and take care of myself and a baby. After a couple of months I made my decision. I had gone to my first support group which was a panel of birth mothers who were telling their stories. Each one touched me in a different way. I knew then that I wanted to give my baby a life that I couldn't provide. In the back of my mind I think I always knew that this was the right thing for me to do, but it was too hard to face. After a tearful drive home, I prayed seeking peace and comfort knowing that I had now made my decision. It wasn't immediate, but I did eventually feel at peace, and I have been at peace with my decision ever since.
I went through the process of choosing a couple to place my baby with, and found a great couple who I know will love and take care of him. This has not been easy for me. It causes a lot of heartache knowing this boy that is constantly squirming around will not be mine. But what a wonderful gift I am giving to someone else who would not otherwise be able to have children. Being 26 almost 27 and placing a baby for adoption seems so strange. I know I could take care of this baby, but it would be a hard life. It is because I love him and want him to have a happy life that I have made this decision. I have been blessed with incredibly supportive family and friends. I could not get through this without them. This baby is my everything, and I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I know I have grown through this experience, and I have learned so much. Adoption is a beautiful thing. I know I will see him again, and that he will always know of my love for him.
I only have one more month to get through. It has been a long road thus far and I have a long road ahead. But knowing that I am making a sacrifice for my son to have a better life, is what will get me through. He will always be loved.
I went through the process of choosing a couple to place my baby with, and found a great couple who I know will love and take care of him. This has not been easy for me. It causes a lot of heartache knowing this boy that is constantly squirming around will not be mine. But what a wonderful gift I am giving to someone else who would not otherwise be able to have children. Being 26 almost 27 and placing a baby for adoption seems so strange. I know I could take care of this baby, but it would be a hard life. It is because I love him and want him to have a happy life that I have made this decision. I have been blessed with incredibly supportive family and friends. I could not get through this without them. This baby is my everything, and I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I know I have grown through this experience, and I have learned so much. Adoption is a beautiful thing. I know I will see him again, and that he will always know of my love for him.
I only have one more month to get through. It has been a long road thus far and I have a long road ahead. But knowing that I am making a sacrifice for my son to have a better life, is what will get me through. He will always be loved.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
No more childhood home...
At the end of the month my parents are moving from the house that I lived in since the age of 6. To my surprise, it hasn't been too hard for me. I have lived away from home for about 4 years, so I think that I became a little detached in that time. But the more I go over there and go through all of my old stuff, see the house becoming more and more empty, the more real it becomes. They really are moving, and I will miss my home. Its is a big house for only two people so it is for the best. Right now my grandparents need their help, so that's where they will be, in North Ogden with my Grandparents.
They have been trying to sale their house for a long time. It is strange that it has finally come time for them to pack up and leave after 20 years.
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