Ultimate Sacrifice

Around 2:00 am on a Saturday morning about 8 months ago, my life drastically changed. Single and living in Salt Lake City I had just found out that I was pregnant. I felt like my world had crumbled beneath me. As Juno would say "That little pink plus sign is so unholy." Only in my case it was a blue plus sign, and yes it was so unholy. I was terrified, and had no idea what to do or who to tell.  Never in my life had I imagined this happening to me. I was so afraid to tell my parents and see their disappointment. I literally have never felt more alone and scared in my life.  All I can remember is calapsing to the ground in tears and praying that it wasn't real. As soon as I gained some control of my emotions I sent a text to my cousins wife. I knew I could trust them and they wouldn't judge me in anyway. Being in Utah and an active member of the LDS church, judgement is what I was most afraid of.

After a sleepless night, I went to my cousins house to seek comfort and advice.  My cousin then took me to the dollar store to get 5 more pregnancy tests. All were positive. After spending the entire day with them, I went home and prayed for comfort.  I just needed to know that I would be ok, and I did feel that comfort. I still had no idea what I was going to do. It was a couple weeks before I told anyone else in my family.  I called my brother who I have always been really close with and told him. He and his wife suggested that I tell my older brother so that I had some support close by.  It was another week or two before I told him, and then another week before I told my parents.  During all of this, my first thought was that I would keep the baby and try to make things with the father work. But I was so unhappy with him, I knew I couldn't do it.  The same day that I told my parents, I broke up with him.  Shortly after that I moved back in with my parents.

Still unsure of what I was going to do, I met with LDS Family Services.  They went over all of my options and educated me in each.  There was no pressure in which direction I should take.  The decision was all mine.  If I wanted to single parent they would help me single parent, if I wanted to place for adoption they would help me with that as well. Abortion was never an option for me. So, my journey began. 

I started meeting with my case worker.  She would give me things to do to try and help me with making a decision.  I weighed the pros and cons of each, but it was still hard to try and make that decision.  I had always wanted to be a mom, but I never wanted it to be this way.  I knew it was going to be hard to single parent.  I was barely making enough to live on my own and take care of myself and a baby. After a couple of months I made my decision. I had gone to my first support group which was a panel of birth mothers who were telling their stories. Each one touched me in a different way. I knew then that I wanted to give my baby a life that I couldn't provide.  In the back of my mind I think I always knew that this was the right thing for me to do, but it was too hard to face.  After a tearful drive home, I prayed seeking peace and comfort knowing that I had now made my decision. It wasn't immediate, but I did eventually feel at peace, and I have been at peace with my decision ever since.

I went through the process of choosing a couple to place my baby with, and found a great couple who I know will love and take care of him.  This has not been easy for me. It causes a lot of heartache knowing this boy that is constantly squirming around will not be mine.  But what a wonderful gift I am giving to someone else who would not otherwise be able to have children.  Being 26 almost 27 and placing a baby for adoption seems so strange.  I know I could take care of this baby, but it would be a hard life.  It is because I love him and want him to have a happy life that I have made this decision.  I have been blessed with incredibly supportive family and friends.  I could not get through this without them.  This baby is my everything, and I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe.  I know I have grown through this experience, and I have learned so much. Adoption is a beautiful thing.  I know I will see him again, and that he will always know of my love for him.

I only have one more month to get through.  It has been a long road thus far and I have a long road ahead.  But knowing that I am making a sacrifice for my son to have a better life, is what will get me through. He will always be loved.