One Huge Thank You!

I have been meaning to do something special for all the wonderful support people in my life.  But, I had no idea what I could possibly do to show my appreciation, and gratitude. I owe so much to each and everyone of you, I don't know how I could ever repay you.

So, this blog is dedicated to all my family and friends, who have been a huge part of my journey thus far.

Mom and Dad:
I know this hasn't been easy on you, I know it came as a huge shock, but thank you for not abandoning me in my time of need.  I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but you have amazed me with the way you have cared for me and loved me through it all. I wouldn't have been able to get through some of the hardest parts, without your shoulder to cry on. I love you and I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Brothers & Sisters:
There are too many of you to thank individually. But, you have all been such great supports, in so many different ways. I cannot thank you enough! Thank you for loving me and being there for me to lean on and talk to. Thank you for calling and checking in on me. You don't know how much it means to me, and it always seems to be when I need it most.  I know I am not always the easiest person to love, but you love me anyway, and I am so happy to have all of you by my side.  I love you so much!

Eric and Tracy:
Where to even begin?? Eric, I think there is a reason we have always been so close.  I think you were meant to witness the other side of adoption through me, and you and Tracy were both placed in my life to help me through it. You both have been tremendous support, and I am so grateful that we are family. I love you both more than you know.

Shaley:
I can't imagine being able to get through this without you. We've had our ups and downs, but you have really been there for me more than I ever expected of you. I couldn't ask for a better, non-judgemental, hilarious, and loving friend than you. I want you to know, I will be there for you anytime you need me. I love you tons!

Miguel:
You were the first out of our group of friends to know. You didn't judge me, but comforted me. I've always felt like you were someone I could talk to, and go to for a listening ear. For that I am grateful.  You're a great friend and I love ya.

Mickele:
You weren't here to experience everything in person, but the fact that I felt comfortable enough to write you and let you know what was going on means a lot. Your words always brought be great comfort, and I'm super stoked to have you as my roommate now. We're going to have a blast! Love you chica!

To all the Friends (Jason, Michelle, Nate, Chelley):
Thanks for letting me tag a long even at 9 months pregnant. Thanks for always being there for me.  You made the last year a lot easier, and I love all of you.

Jess and Heather:
You two have truly inspired me. You have helped me through in ways that you don't even know. Thanks for being there when I need someone who will really understand how I am feeling, and gets why I am feeling the way that I am. I love you both so much and am so glad you are in my life now.

Hannah and Jess:
I think we all need each other a lot right now. I want you to know I am here for you any time you need me.  Its been good for me to get to know you and become such great friends. Like I have said before, I think we will always have a lasting friendship. I love you  to pieces!

The list could go on and on.  So many of you have been such tremendous supports and played a huge role in my journey. There is no way at all that I would be standing where I am today, and pressing forward without all of the love and support I have received. I never expected it, but I am beyond grateful for it.  Its going to be a bumpy road for a little while, and I am thankful for the patience and understanding. I am surviving and will continue to survive.  I have all of you to thank for that. I cannot express the love I have for each and every one of you! Thank you!

Love,
Lindsey

Courage

Three months into 2013 my life had completely changed over night.  It was a change that I wasn't proud of, and a change that I didn't want people to know about. Unfortunately, it wasn't something that I could hide for very long, and eventually became something that I could no longer deny was happening.  I was single and pregnant, and other than close friends and family I never intended on telling anyone. I planned on hiding and avoiding people at all costs. If I saw someone I knew at the store, I would quickly duck my head, turn, and walk the other way as fast as I could. I didn't want to explain myself, and most of all I feared judgement. I'll admit it, I was ashamed of myself.

Early into my second trimester I made the decision to place my baby for adoption.  It was a hard, painful decision, and probably the most selfless decision I have ever made in my life. I was putting my baby first, but I still didn't want people to know. It's something very personal, sacred, and painful. Why should I have to explain myself, and deal with people who I was sure would judge me? So, I went on pretending life was normal, like nothing HUGE was happening in my life.

In mid October, my little brother got home from his mission. I was 8 months pregnant and he was to report on his mission at my old home ward in Fruit Heights. I knew if I went, there would be people there that I absolutely didn't want to see. So, I contemplated going, but in the end decided to go and support my brother. I stayed seated for most of the time and avoided eye contact with pretty much everyone. As soon as sacrament ended, I bolted out of there. But, I knew that people had seen me. My mom got questioned and I knew I couldn't keep hiding.

A week after that, a month before my due date I did something I never thought I would do. I made myself vulnerable, and I opened up about my story and what was happening in my life. I shared it on my blog and posted it to Facebook.  I was terrified of all the negative comments I was going to get, but mostly I was sure no one would read it. I was tired of being ashamed, and I realized that I had no reason to be, because I was doing something amazing that not many people can do. It was shaping my life, and turning me into a stronger, more courageous woman. What's there to be ashamed of?

I was amazed at all the love, support, and positive comments I received. No judgement at all! I was completely shocked, but so relieved.  I felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders. I didn't have to keep hiding, and it felt so liberating! From that day on I decided to share my story, as hard as it might be. I still have a hard time with it, especially now that I have placed. Three months from placement and it's still so very fresh, and sharing brings up a lot of pain but, I also find it to be somewhat healing and therapeutic. So, I will continue to share in hopes that my story, and my journey can touch others and help them in their own lives. It has truly been an amazing, spiritual experience and hardship, and I wouldn't take it back.

My Journey

The early morning of March 23, 2013 I came home from a movie, and in my purse awaiting my fate was a pregnancy test. I took the test and watched, as the result to the scariest test of my life, slowly appeared. As a blue plus sign appeared my heart sank, I was single and dating a guy that I was sure that I did not love. Terrified, I collapsed to the floor in tears.  What in the world was I going to do? I couldn't tell my parents, not yet. I was so alone! How could I have been so stupid and irresponsible? I prayed and prayed that it wasn't real. This is not how I wanted to bring a child into the world. I never in my life imagined this happening to me!

A month went by before I could bring myself to tell my parents. I had already told two of my brothers and my cousin, because of course I needed some support. My oldest brother went with me to tell my parents. I am a people pleaser, I HATE to disappoint anyone, especially my parents.  I can tell you that's one conversation I never want to have again. It was so hard to tell what they were thinking, but I know it wasn't what they were expecting, because lets face it I'm an ANGEL ;)  They were upset that they weren't the first to know, but like I said I didn't want to disappoint them, so I wanted to make sure it was really all happening before I could tell them. There were times that I would have given anything for a miscarriage. I knew that it would have been hard, but I thought it would be better than bringing a life into the world that I wasn't ready for and with a guy that I didn't want to be with.  I was afraid that I would be getting married and having a baby all in one year.  But thankfully I realized how unhappy I was in the relationship I was in.

I was living in Salt Lake City, and my parents told me that I should move home with them. So, in May I moved home. I knew abortion was never an option for me.  I have wanted to be a mom basically my entire life, I just never wanted it to be this way.  I didn't have any idea what I was going to do. Abortion was out, marriage was out, so that left single parenting, or adoption.  I made an appointment with a case worker at LDS Family Services, and me and my mom went to become educated in all of my options as a single mom to be.  She informed us that there were classes for single parenting, and support groups for both single parents and birth parents. She also let us know, that it was completely my decision and that they would be there to help in whatever I decided. And after the baby was born they weren't going to just forget about me and leave me on my own. I would say that is when my journey began, and when my life really started to change.

I started meeting every other week with my case worker.  Each time she would give me homework, she had me weigh the pros and cons of single parenting and adoption, she had me go shopping as though I had a brand new baby and write down the prices of everything, and then I had to put a budget together. I was so torn because I knew financially and emotionally I wasn't ready to take care of a child on my own, but I have wanted to be a mom for so long. My patriarchal blessing says that my calling in life is to be a mom, and lets be honest, I'm not getting any younger.  I'm in my late twenties now, I could really do this if I wanted to.

I went to my 12 week appointment and heard the heart beat for the first time, and I started to cry.  There was a living person growing inside of me. This was really happening! As if I really needed one more thing to make this harder on me. My love for my child grew so much more at that time.

Shortly after that, I believe it was the first part of June, I went to my first support group. I had been meeting with my case worker for a few weeks but had yet to go to any of the support groups.  This one was a special one.  They had a panel of birth mothers telling their stories, and all the hopeful adoptive couples were required to be there to hear their stories. For me it was very emotional listening to their stories and feeling of the love they had for their children. It had changed each and every one of them in so many ways.  As I listened to them, I thought in my mind 'Is this what I want for my child? This baby deserves so much more than I can give to him/her. I want to be someone he/she can be proud of, am I really in a good place to take care of this baby?' My heart ached.  I left quickly after it ended and drove home in tears. I felt like I knew what I was supposed to do.  I thought that was my answer, but I wasn't sure, I don't think I wanted that to be it. So, I went home and cried to my mom. Then I went into my room and knelt down and prayed for confirmation and peace. I really just wanted my answer right then, I wanted to know FOR SURE! The next day, I felt more at peace but still wasn't sure if I had gotten my answer. I was expecting something more than peace, but then my sister told me that sometimes that's all it is. If I had made the wrong decision then God would let me know and he wouldn't let me continue on in the wrong decision.

The next week I met with my case worker and let her know that I had chosen to place my baby for adoption. She had me start looking at adoptive couples and sent me home with different birth mom stories to read. I had a few couples that I was interested in but was scared to email any of them.  I was afraid of this next decision of finding the perfect couple for my baby.

Then one day I was at work and my coworker was helping me look through them, and she sent me Jeff and Jenny's profile. I really liked them, something just clicked and I felt a connection with them. So without even talking to my case worker I emailed them. She was so excited to hear from me and I was so excited that she was excited! I thought I should try talking to some other couples to just compare, for some reason though, I just kept thinking of my baby living with them.  So we kept emailing back and forth and I told them I would let them know when I found out what I was having.

July came, and it was time for my 20 week ultrasound. I was so excited to find out what I was having, I didn't even think about how hard it was going to be.  I loved seeing my baby, again it became so real, I had life inside of me. Then when the tech told me I was having a boy, I couldn't help but cry.  This boy wasn't going to be mine to raise. My mom held my hand and we cried together. I can't describe the feelings of joy and sadness that I felt all at once.

In August I met with Jeff and Jenny, it  was so comfortable and they were so great! I walked away feeling like I knew they were who I wanted to place my baby boy with. I couldn't wait to tell them, I wanted to find a cute way to let them know, and since they were far away I just put together an e-card and had my dad write a poem letting them know that I chose them.  They were so excited, and it felt so good to know of the gift I was giving to them.  It all felt so bittersweet.

The next step was getting the birth father to cooperate and sign papers. But I hadn't heard from him since June when I told him that I was planning to place. He thought that I didn't want the baby and that it wasn't my decision to make a lone. But when I asked him to call LDS Family services he never did and I never heard from him. So, he was sent a letter stating he had 30 days to assert his rights, and if he didn't file paper work in that time then his rights would be terminated. Those 30 days were very stressful for me, I was filled with anxiety.  I didn't want him to ruin this for me, it was already hard enough as it was. But the deadline came and he never did anything.  However, a week later I heard from both his mom and his sister. They weren't about to let it be over.  They wanted to adopt my baby. Not understanding at all my reasoning for my decision. They also believed that it was that I didn't want my baby. How wrong they were. How could someone just assume that I didn't love my child? I love my baby more than life itself which is why I am putting his needs first. Anyway, to make a long story short, I dealt with them for a couple of weeks, and finally by some miracle they dropped it. I never heard from them again.

By this time I only have a few more weeks left. My due date was November 24th (my birthday).  I was getting really anxious to be done with all the discomfort. I was anxious for the unknown, I wanted to know when he was going to come. I wanted to meet him, and I wanted, what I thought would be the hardest part, to be over.

During all of this time, I was so grateful for the people at group, and all of the amazing birth moms I had met.  I felt like they were helping me get through this process, and I don't know how I would have gotten through some of my fears without them.  It was such a blessing to be able to get advice and bounce ideas off people who had already been through what I was about to go through.  These women are truly amazing and I know God put them in my life to help me through.

At 38 weeks I was dilated 2cm and 60% effaced, everyone was sure that he was going to come any day. But I went another week, and I was still about the same at 39 weeks. They were all shocked that I was at group that week. Sunday was my birthday/due date, and still no baby.

Two days later on Tuesday November 26, 2013 I woke up at 2:30 not feeling well.  I got up and went into the bathroom, and when I laid back down, I started having contractions.  I grabbed my phone and started to time them. I waited about an hour before I went in an woke up my mom.  They weren't terribly consistent but they weren't very far apart either.  At about 4:30 we left for the hospital. When they checked me I was dilated 4cm and about 70% effaced, in active labor, thank goodness (I really didn't want to be sent home).

They admitted me, but my contractions stayed 2-3 mins apart for a few hours. Then they broke my water and started me on pitocin. After that things progressed pretty quickly and at 3:16 pm, my beautiful baby boy was born. All I could do was cry.  I don't remember seeing him until the nurse handed him to me, but he was perfect, and I cried some more.

They moved me to another room, and I was so tired that I could barley even comprehend what just happened. Did I really just have a baby? They gave me some skin on skin time with him and he just clung to me.  The pediatrician came in to check him and he didn't want to be moved. We were both so comfortable. It felt so natural to have him snuggled up to me.

It still hadn't really hit me, I was still trying to process everything. I didn't get much sleep that night, I was up with him a lot. Every noise he made I felt like I needed check on him. But he wasn't upset, he was just making noises most of the time perfectly content, unless he was hungry.

The next day, my whole family came to be with me while I signed papers.  My mind was finally starting to process. Yes, I just gave birth to the sweetest baby ever, and I only get these couple of days with him as MY baby boy, My Buddy!  My dad and brothers gave me a blessing right before I signed.  As my case worker was reading the papers to me and I was acknowledging that I understood, that's when I really started to feel the pain and the ache in my heart.  I'm signing away my parental rights to my boy, my perfect baby boy! The tears started to flow, and I could barely see as I was signing each line.  When I was done, my family surrounded me, held my hand, hugged and comforted me as I cried.  My family and I spent time with him that day, while the couple was doing all of their paperwork. He was mine until the next day at discharge and placement.

I spent most of that night awake with him, holding him and loving him. My family came back that morning (Thanksgiving) to be with me and to say goodbye. I sent everyone out of the room, to give me time to be alone with him.  I told him how much I loved him, and that I was doing this for him, to give him a better chance at life, to have both a mom and dad who love him.  I held him close, and never wanted to let him go. I fell completely in love, head over heels for My Buddy. I have never felt so much love for anyone in my entire life.

My family and Jeff and Jenny came back in. They were just finishing up our discharge, and going over everything with Jeff and Jenny, and then I knew it was time. I let my family say their goodbyes,  I kissed my baby boy one last time and handed him to his new mom. We watched as they put him in his car seat, and walked out the door.  My heart was completely broken. As soon as the door closed I broke down, my mom and sister were basically holding me up. He was gone, my Buddy was gone and I wanted him back. My dad and brothers hugged me, and we got ready to leave.  At this point, nothing could stop the tears. I missed him already. I wasn't sure if I would ever get over the pain.

It has been 8 weeks, he will be 2 months old on Sunday.  I can't believe how fast time flies. It feels like just yesterday.  It still hurts every day, but its getting a little easier. I have my triggers, and I miss him like crazy, but I survived and I am learning to get through it. My adoption is semi-open with pics and emails occasionally, and I hope to be able to see him sometime when I am ready.  It has been a little hard to get pictures, because I just want to be with him. But I know he is with good people in a good home. It doesn't always make it any easier, but I did this because I love him and I know he will always know of my love.

I wouldn't have been able to get through this without the love and support of so many people. My family, friends, my birth mom friends, and my Heavenly Father.  I would be so lost without them.

My sweet boy has changed my life forever. He has made me a better, stronger person, and I owe so much to him.  He is my world, and I only hope that one day he will be proud to call me his Birth mom.

I love you so very very much sweet boy.

Love your Birth Momma Lindsey

Here's to a New Year, and a New Starting Point

To say that 2013 was a hard year would be an understatement.  In fact, 2013 has been by far the hardest, most gut wrenching, and heart aching year of my life.  As it is coming to a close, I can only have faith and hope that 2014 will be a better year of peace, healing and clarity.

One month ago, I gave birth to the most precious, beautiful and perfect baby boy you could imagine. Two days later I placed him in the arms of his new mother, leaving me with a gaping hole in my heart.  Watching my baby leave, and going home empty handed is the hardest thing I will ever do! But, I got to spend two of the most amazing days of my life loving on him, holding him, being his mom, and watching my family come together.  He is loved by so many!

I miss him so much. I see others with small babies and I want to cry. I really don't like those of you with babies or having babies. I don't say that to be mean, I will get over it, but for now I don't like you because it hurts, and its a reminder of what I had and no longer have.

This first month has been incredibly hard for me. A lot harder than I ever imagined.  I have felt every emotion possible and I have had to remind myself why I did this.  It wasn't because I didn't love him or want him. Could I have taken care of him? Yes, I could have. But I wanted to give him a life that I couldn't provide, a life with two loving parents who could provide for his needs better than I.  It kills me every day, that I couldn't be the one to give my sweet boy that life. But he is in a good home, with great people who I love and know will be good to him. I know he is safe and loved and that brings me peace.

For whatever reason, God chose me to bring Baby J to Jeff and Jenny.  Despite the pain, I have learned so much about love and sacrifice.  If I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't have chosen a better life for him. As I have been pondering the life of our Savior the last few days, I have realized that - although I feel alone and no one could possibly understand what I am going through- the Savior truly has felt my pain.  Not only that, but Our Father in Heaven too knows of my pain, as his son died on a cross for all of us. Though not everyone may believe, I have had it reaffirmed to me as I felt of their love at a time when I was feeling alone and unsure. I will undoubtably still feel an aching, and emptiness, but through God and our Savior I will heal a little each day. He has placed many people in my life who have been great blessings, and have been there for me and still are there for me every step of the way.

I recieved a blessing from my dad before signing adoption papers; here is part of it "I bless you to see that this is not an ending, but a starting point.  This is a beautiful time for you. You are loved by many people her on earth and you are loved by God our Father."  It has been a good reminder for me, that not only did I make this decision out of complete love for Baby J, but for me as well. So that I could take charge of my own life, and be a person that he can be proud to call his Birth mom .

So, let 2014 be my starting point. 

Due date is fast approaching!

Two weeks from yesterday is when this little boy is supposed to make his appearance.  This last month has been really hard on me physically, but I am starting to feel it even more emotionally now.

I have been waiting, for what feels like an eternity, for this roller coaster to end. I want to be able to breath normally, WALK normally, and just feel normal again. I have enjoyed feeling his movements and being able to bond with him, but I am to that point of discomfort where the end is just so much more appealing.

In the last couple of days, as the time is drawing closer, I have realized that my time with this sweet boy is coming to an end. I have always known that it would come, and that it was going to be extremely hard, but I don't know that I have ever really let myself think too much about what it will look like. Maybe, I have been trying to avoid anymore pain by trying to make the best of the situation.  

Suddenly, I feel even less prepared than I did before. I'm not only afraid of the unknown of delivery but of the unknown emotions that are going to be there and be very real. I imagine there will be emotions that I have not yet felt, and it makes me a little nervous.  

I still have no doubts in my mind that what I am doing is the right thing for my baby boy.  But, I have to come to terms with the fact that it will be hard, and its not going to get easier over night. The pain will still be there, long after placement, and some days will be better than others. The thing I have to remember is that I have family and friends that love me and are there for me.  Even more importantly that I have a Father in Heaven who has not left my side once, even at times when I haven't always made him a priority in my life. 

There were times in the beginning that I would have given anything for a miscarriage. I knew I would be sad, but it would have saved me from telling my family, and avoiding all of this heartache.  But that would have been the easy way out, and what would I have learned from that?  Would I still be the same person I was? Would I have grown at all?  Probably not, and the Lord knew that I needed this, and he knew that I could do it (with his help).  So, I have to carry on and be strong for this child.

Sorry, for all the baby talk, but it's kind of all that's ever on my mind lately. He is my life right now, THIS is my life right now. I am extremely blessed, despite the hurt. I'm proud to be his birth mom :)

Ultimate Sacrifice

Around 2:00 am on a Saturday morning about 8 months ago, my life drastically changed. Single and living in Salt Lake City I had just found out that I was pregnant. I felt like my world had crumbled beneath me. As Juno would say "That little pink plus sign is so unholy." Only in my case it was a blue plus sign, and yes it was so unholy. I was terrified, and had no idea what to do or who to tell.  Never in my life had I imagined this happening to me. I was so afraid to tell my parents and see their disappointment. I literally have never felt more alone and scared in my life.  All I can remember is calapsing to the ground in tears and praying that it wasn't real. As soon as I gained some control of my emotions I sent a text to my cousins wife. I knew I could trust them and they wouldn't judge me in anyway. Being in Utah and an active member of the LDS church, judgement is what I was most afraid of.

After a sleepless night, I went to my cousins house to seek comfort and advice.  My cousin then took me to the dollar store to get 5 more pregnancy tests. All were positive. After spending the entire day with them, I went home and prayed for comfort.  I just needed to know that I would be ok, and I did feel that comfort. I still had no idea what I was going to do. It was a couple weeks before I told anyone else in my family.  I called my brother who I have always been really close with and told him. He and his wife suggested that I tell my older brother so that I had some support close by.  It was another week or two before I told him, and then another week before I told my parents.  During all of this, my first thought was that I would keep the baby and try to make things with the father work. But I was so unhappy with him, I knew I couldn't do it.  The same day that I told my parents, I broke up with him.  Shortly after that I moved back in with my parents.

Still unsure of what I was going to do, I met with LDS Family Services.  They went over all of my options and educated me in each.  There was no pressure in which direction I should take.  The decision was all mine.  If I wanted to single parent they would help me single parent, if I wanted to place for adoption they would help me with that as well. Abortion was never an option for me. So, my journey began. 

I started meeting with my case worker.  She would give me things to do to try and help me with making a decision.  I weighed the pros and cons of each, but it was still hard to try and make that decision.  I had always wanted to be a mom, but I never wanted it to be this way.  I knew it was going to be hard to single parent.  I was barely making enough to live on my own and take care of myself and a baby. After a couple of months I made my decision. I had gone to my first support group which was a panel of birth mothers who were telling their stories. Each one touched me in a different way. I knew then that I wanted to give my baby a life that I couldn't provide.  In the back of my mind I think I always knew that this was the right thing for me to do, but it was too hard to face.  After a tearful drive home, I prayed seeking peace and comfort knowing that I had now made my decision. It wasn't immediate, but I did eventually feel at peace, and I have been at peace with my decision ever since.

I went through the process of choosing a couple to place my baby with, and found a great couple who I know will love and take care of him.  This has not been easy for me. It causes a lot of heartache knowing this boy that is constantly squirming around will not be mine.  But what a wonderful gift I am giving to someone else who would not otherwise be able to have children.  Being 26 almost 27 and placing a baby for adoption seems so strange.  I know I could take care of this baby, but it would be a hard life.  It is because I love him and want him to have a happy life that I have made this decision.  I have been blessed with incredibly supportive family and friends.  I could not get through this without them.  This baby is my everything, and I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe.  I know I have grown through this experience, and I have learned so much. Adoption is a beautiful thing.  I know I will see him again, and that he will always know of my love for him.

I only have one more month to get through.  It has been a long road thus far and I have a long road ahead.  But knowing that I am making a sacrifice for my son to have a better life, is what will get me through. He will always be loved.

No more childhood home...

At the end of the month my parents are moving from the house that I lived in since the age of 6.  To my surprise, it hasn't been too hard for me. I have lived away from home for about 4 years, so I think that I became a little detached in that time.  But the more I go over there and go through all of my old stuff, see the house becoming more and more empty, the more real it becomes. They really are moving, and I will miss my home. Its is a big house for only two people so it is for the best.  Right now my grandparents need their help, so that's where they will be, in North Ogden with my Grandparents. 

They have been trying to sale their house for a long time.  It is strange that it has finally  come time for them to pack up and leave after 20 years.  

New Job!

I started a new job this month, working for the University of Utah Healthcare Department of Pediatrics. I have only been there for 2 1/2 weeks, but so far I like it a lot.  Great benefits, more pay, and all in all a great place to work.  I feel so blessed lately, and it has all happened right when I needed it the most. 

Mt. Timpanogos Hike of Death!

 Last month my friends and I hiked to the top of Mt. Timpanogos.  I thought that I was going to die! In fact I still think a little part of me is up there on the mountain...BUT I survived and I am glad that I did it. It feels good to have made it, and it is an experience I will cherish for a life time... The good and the bad parts!

I had to stop along the way and say a little pray because I was so ready to quit...It basically went like this "thank you for my health, please bless that  I don't die."  It worked, even though at times I didn't feel like it was.

I saw mountain goats for the first time! It amazes me how they are able to climb....




And the leaves had just started to change color, it was truly a beautiful sight. So grateful for god's wonderful creation!

My Little Man

Who needs a man when you have this little one?? I love him to pieces. Nothing better, then the love of a little person :)

I want results, and I want them NOW!

I was not blessed with patience, it is one of my biggest faults. When I want something, I want it ASAP! I have been trying to get in shape, eat better, and lose a little weight. I'm not huge by any means but I am not the skinny minnie I was in high school (yeah I know, it was high school blah blah blah).

So here is my problem. I try really hard for a couple weeks and have one day of weakness, when running or working out just doesn't sound very fun, and I am not seeing any results so I get discouraged, and I do nothing. And then I go a few more days without doing anything, and the frustration sets in even more. Its a vicious cycle, no wonder nothing is happening. BIG SIGH!

I feel like I have plenty of things to motivate me 1. I am very self conscious about the way I look, sometimes I hate going out because I just don't feel good about myself. I love myself on the inside but not on the out. I hate going shopping because all I see everywhere I look, is skinny b@#$%es and it makes me feel worse. I envy them! No I shouldn't feel that way, no I shouldn't envy them, but I am not perfect. 2. I want the energy and to be able to do things I used to be able to do. 3. I want to be happy with the way I look so I have more confidence in myself. I hate feeling the way I do, I would think that is motivation enough, right? So why is it so hard to get myself to get off my butt everyday and do it?

Anyway, I have been reading this book called "Run Your Butt Off" and its just a guide to get started. I am on the third week running plan, and I am determined to keep it up (fingers crossed that my head doesn't get to me). I want to run a few 5k's to see if I can beat my time from last November and then hopefully move on to other bigger races. Hopefully one day a half marathon at least.

But I still want results now! (I better start seeing them soon!)

I just have to wait and be patient and put in the effort.

So if any of you have tips on how to keep my motivation going, PLEASE HELP!

"Hon Now"

"Hom buddy, hon now!"

is a phrase well known in my family. I have no idea where it originated from, but it is most commonly used by my cousin Nate Mathis. Nate has a great love for baseball (along with most of the Mathis family), a love of golf, and many other sports. He is the Assistant Athletic Director at UVU and loves his job. Nate is so full of energy, outgoing, lovable, and has a great sense of humor. I'm not sure that I know anyone who is loved as much as Nate. He has touched many lives and is an inspiration to all. Nate is always going, he never stops, and he always seems to be on some kind of adventure. Some days I wish that I could be more like him. He makes friends everywhere he goes, and I love that about him.

One week ago, March 26, Nate was in a horrible skiing accident. When I heard what had happened my heart sunk, but I knew he was a fighter and would pull through. Nate underwent major surgery on Friday, and has had some complications since.

I had the opportunity to see him today, it was hard seeing someone who is normally so full of life, just laying there, only able to respond with a squeeze of the hand. As I walked into his room, and saw him I immediately looked to my cousin Eric for comfort. Seeing him brought tears to my eyes, it's not easy seeing someone you love and care for, in such a fragile state. Especially someone like Nate.

You may be wondering why I have a picture of Great Value Wheat Thins on here. Only family may really know the meaning behind it. It is an inside joke between the two of us. I would tell the story, but I'm pretty sure its one of those things you had to be there for. Now every time I see, or talk to him, Generic Wheat thins get brought up in one way or another. I took this picture before his accident with the intention of sending it to him, but never got the chance. So, I am doing it now.

This is for Nate.

This is my way of showing my love for him and letting him know he is in my prayers.

So, Hon now Nate, get through this buddy. You have a lot of people pulling for you.

I love you!

Ever wonder...??

Do you ever wonder why people are put in your life and what it is you are supposed to learn from them? It's something I have always given some thought to. What is it that I am supposed to learn from the people in my life, or the people who have come and gone from my life? I don't think we'll ever understand or comprehend exactly why certain people were put into our lives or the reasoning behind it. But there is a reason for everything. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever find out, if when we leave this life we'll be able to understand. However, I want answers now, I want to understand everything now. But I have to learn patience and learn from those who have come and gone and those who will be in my life forever.

I am truly lucky to have amazing people in my life, I think sometimes I have taken them for granted. The past few weeks I have come to realize how much my family truly cares for me, and no matter what they will always be there for me, no questions asked. I have no doubt that they were put in my life for a reason, and I am so grateful for them. I've never needed their love and support more than I do now, and they're willing to give it without me asking. I'm grateful for the relationships I have created with my siblings as I have grown older, and I hope to only make them better.

No more Miss Nice Girl

I have posted a few videos below, that express the way I have felt the past couple of days. Music is a major part of my life, it expresses my feelings better than I can myself, at times.

This past week has been emotionally draining for me, from being in a car accident, to having my dog posted on KSL, and losing someone who I thought and considered to be one of my best friends and the heartache that came from that. All of which has inspired the songs posted below. I realized this weekend, that although I have been trying, I need to learn to better express my feelings, instead of keeping them bottled up, no matter how afraid I may be to say what is on my mind. I need to learn how to communicate my feelings, and its not always easy for me.

I feel as though, more so lately, that I have been walked on, beaten down, blamed, and used, by many different people. I think partly it comes from being a people pleaser, always wanting to make everyone, but myself happy. My sister-in-laws have told me before that I am loyal to a fault. I have trouble saying no, and I am always afraid that I might make someone angry. While loyalty, people pleasing, and being a nice person are not bad things, it can be when it gets to the point of letting people manipulate you and walk all over you. A lot of times it can be people that are supposed to care about you, and people you are supposed to be able to trust.

So, no more Miss Nice Girl for me. Yes, I can still be a nice person. But I won't continue to let people walk all over me, and I will do my best to do what makes ME happy. Of course I will always try to serve others and make people happy, because its who I am. It is not in me to a mean, dishonest person. I care about the people in my life more than anything, even if sometimes I don't show it. I will do anything for the people I love, even those who have treated me poorly in the past. But I cannot and will not be used, and walked on anymore.

Going the Distance... RPT

The past couple of months have been a struggle for me money wise. I always have just enough money for the things that I need, but its really tight. Although, I'm not terribly bad off, my stress and anxiety begin to sky rocket because I have to make my money stretch until my next pay check. It was such a relief for me to finally, after 8 months, have a full time job and not have to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet. Now, I have more to pay for, and a second job isn't looking too bad right now. But again that means less time for a social life, and less time for myself.

For an even longer time now the feeling that I am going nowhere with my life has been eating at me. I felt unaccomplished, and I was worrying that I might be stuck at a job, with no room for moving up, for the rest of my life. I was also worried that I would never find anyone, that no one would want someone who hasn't been to school, who hasn't done anything great and spectacular. I knew that I needed to go to school and get some training. But I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and the thought of going back to school gave me anxiety as well. School has never been my cup of tea and I have always been more of a hands on learner, so I just kept putting it off. As I started to feel more and more unaccomplished, pathetic and hopeless, I knew I needed to do something and actually stick with it. I started looking into courses at the DATC, knowing that the medical field was where I wanted to be. I found a 13 week program, class one night a week, labs every other week, perfect for my work schedule. I knew it would be something that would fascinate me, and that it would be something I could enjoy. So my decision was to enroll into the Radiology Practical Technician course. Financial aid was not available for the course, which made me a little hesitant, but I decided to do it anyway. So, here I am, a month away from starting school.

This is what is helping me get through my money and emotional struggles. Knowing that I am finally doing something, and once I finish in April, I will be able to make more money once I find a job. It may be a long road, but I think it will be so worth it. Even though I have school on my credit card, a car payment, insurance, and rent I feel blessed that I am able to go back to school and work at the same time. I feel a lot better about the direction my life is headed. It took a lot for me to GO THE DISTANCE and make the sacrifices I needed to go back to school. I am excited to see where this road takes me.

And the Diagnosis is.....

Who needs doctors when you have the internet at your finger tips? I’m sure that I could Google how to perform surgery, and it would give me multiple sites that show you how to perform any given surgery. However, I would never do that because it would be stupid. But type in any little unusual aches or pains that you may have and somewhere you will find the answers, the possible causes, possible name of your pain, treatments, and so on.

I have this new, hobby that keeps me busy during my spare time at work. Whenever I don’t feel 100% or something is hurting that doesn’t normally hurt, I Google it, or use Web MD. For instance, my shoulder bothers me occasionally for days at a time and at night, but it will go away. So yesterday I decided to do some research. I was able to narrow it down because of the kind of pain and the location of the pain. I am pretty sure that if I were to go to the doctor he would tell me the exact thing that the internet did. The only difference is he would be able to prescribe me something or tell me how to fix it. If only they could prescribe things to you on the internet, but I guess that wouldn’t be a very good idea because doctors would be out of job and people would be getting high as a kite off of prescription drugs. But it is nice to have an idea of what MIGHT be going on before you go into the doctor. Better yet find out what you can do before you make that appointment to see the doctor.

That being said, here is my diagnosis…

http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/rotatorcuff/a/shbursitis.htm

Hope you enjoy! lol

The Kids

Because I am not married, nor do I have kids, I thought that I would share a very important part of my life. A part of my life that no matter what always brings joy to my heart.

There are seven little people in my life that, somehow, even on the worst days can cheer me up. Having had the chance to spend time with all of them recently, I have really come to realize how special they are to me, and what a blessing each one of my nieces and nephews are. I guess you could say they are my pride and joy, since I don't have any kids of my own. They're all such great kids and have cute, loving personalities. Nothing beats the running hugs, the kisses, the 'I love yous', and even the 'I don't wike yous' when they are upset lol. Because it just makes you laugh more than anything.

I love those kids with all that I have. Each one of them holds a special place in my heart, I don't know what I would do without them. Thank you for being a part of my life, and always putting a smile on my face. I love you!

I have been thinking a lot, lately, about the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be. In my own personal opinion I consider myself to be a pretty nice, funny, sweet, caring, loving, and all around good person. However, I realize that sometimes I'm not always that way, and there are things that I really need to work on.

So during the past week, this has been on my mind more and more. I have been trying to think of ways to better my life, and myself as a person. So of course I thought of a few things, and I as I was reading my book "A Single Voice" last night I decided that I should probably really try to work on all the things that I had come up with. For example being a little nicer to everyone and controlling the mean thoughts that go through my head about people that irritate me, just to name a few. All simple things, yes?

Today, I get to work and find that although I am trying to keep mean thoughts about irritating people out of my head, its NOT so easy and it is going to take work. Making those changes in your life, however simple they may seem, is not always easy. I am human and I make mistakes. I have a lot to work on to better myself, but I am determined. I have some small changes and some big changes to make, to reach this goal that I have set, and it will take time but I know in the long run that it will be so worth it.

Lately especially this seems to be an important thing for me to do. With so many controversial things going on in the world, it is important that we all learn to be accepting of others no matter how annoying they may be or maybe if you disagree about their views on life.

So...... Wish me luck :)

Hi

Hi! Not really sure what to write yet.... This is all very new to me, but hopefully I will have more to share later....