Due date is fast approaching!

Two weeks from yesterday is when this little boy is supposed to make his appearance.  This last month has been really hard on me physically, but I am starting to feel it even more emotionally now.

I have been waiting, for what feels like an eternity, for this roller coaster to end. I want to be able to breath normally, WALK normally, and just feel normal again. I have enjoyed feeling his movements and being able to bond with him, but I am to that point of discomfort where the end is just so much more appealing.

In the last couple of days, as the time is drawing closer, I have realized that my time with this sweet boy is coming to an end. I have always known that it would come, and that it was going to be extremely hard, but I don't know that I have ever really let myself think too much about what it will look like. Maybe, I have been trying to avoid anymore pain by trying to make the best of the situation.  

Suddenly, I feel even less prepared than I did before. I'm not only afraid of the unknown of delivery but of the unknown emotions that are going to be there and be very real. I imagine there will be emotions that I have not yet felt, and it makes me a little nervous.  

I still have no doubts in my mind that what I am doing is the right thing for my baby boy.  But, I have to come to terms with the fact that it will be hard, and its not going to get easier over night. The pain will still be there, long after placement, and some days will be better than others. The thing I have to remember is that I have family and friends that love me and are there for me.  Even more importantly that I have a Father in Heaven who has not left my side once, even at times when I haven't always made him a priority in my life. 

There were times in the beginning that I would have given anything for a miscarriage. I knew I would be sad, but it would have saved me from telling my family, and avoiding all of this heartache.  But that would have been the easy way out, and what would I have learned from that?  Would I still be the same person I was? Would I have grown at all?  Probably not, and the Lord knew that I needed this, and he knew that I could do it (with his help).  So, I have to carry on and be strong for this child.

Sorry, for all the baby talk, but it's kind of all that's ever on my mind lately. He is my life right now, THIS is my life right now. I am extremely blessed, despite the hurt. I'm proud to be his birth mom :)

Ultimate Sacrifice

Around 2:00 am on a Saturday morning about 8 months ago, my life drastically changed. Single and living in Salt Lake City I had just found out that I was pregnant. I felt like my world had crumbled beneath me. As Juno would say "That little pink plus sign is so unholy." Only in my case it was a blue plus sign, and yes it was so unholy. I was terrified, and had no idea what to do or who to tell.  Never in my life had I imagined this happening to me. I was so afraid to tell my parents and see their disappointment. I literally have never felt more alone and scared in my life.  All I can remember is calapsing to the ground in tears and praying that it wasn't real. As soon as I gained some control of my emotions I sent a text to my cousins wife. I knew I could trust them and they wouldn't judge me in anyway. Being in Utah and an active member of the LDS church, judgement is what I was most afraid of.

After a sleepless night, I went to my cousins house to seek comfort and advice.  My cousin then took me to the dollar store to get 5 more pregnancy tests. All were positive. After spending the entire day with them, I went home and prayed for comfort.  I just needed to know that I would be ok, and I did feel that comfort. I still had no idea what I was going to do. It was a couple weeks before I told anyone else in my family.  I called my brother who I have always been really close with and told him. He and his wife suggested that I tell my older brother so that I had some support close by.  It was another week or two before I told him, and then another week before I told my parents.  During all of this, my first thought was that I would keep the baby and try to make things with the father work. But I was so unhappy with him, I knew I couldn't do it.  The same day that I told my parents, I broke up with him.  Shortly after that I moved back in with my parents.

Still unsure of what I was going to do, I met with LDS Family Services.  They went over all of my options and educated me in each.  There was no pressure in which direction I should take.  The decision was all mine.  If I wanted to single parent they would help me single parent, if I wanted to place for adoption they would help me with that as well. Abortion was never an option for me. So, my journey began. 

I started meeting with my case worker.  She would give me things to do to try and help me with making a decision.  I weighed the pros and cons of each, but it was still hard to try and make that decision.  I had always wanted to be a mom, but I never wanted it to be this way.  I knew it was going to be hard to single parent.  I was barely making enough to live on my own and take care of myself and a baby. After a couple of months I made my decision. I had gone to my first support group which was a panel of birth mothers who were telling their stories. Each one touched me in a different way. I knew then that I wanted to give my baby a life that I couldn't provide.  In the back of my mind I think I always knew that this was the right thing for me to do, but it was too hard to face.  After a tearful drive home, I prayed seeking peace and comfort knowing that I had now made my decision. It wasn't immediate, but I did eventually feel at peace, and I have been at peace with my decision ever since.

I went through the process of choosing a couple to place my baby with, and found a great couple who I know will love and take care of him.  This has not been easy for me. It causes a lot of heartache knowing this boy that is constantly squirming around will not be mine.  But what a wonderful gift I am giving to someone else who would not otherwise be able to have children.  Being 26 almost 27 and placing a baby for adoption seems so strange.  I know I could take care of this baby, but it would be a hard life.  It is because I love him and want him to have a happy life that I have made this decision.  I have been blessed with incredibly supportive family and friends.  I could not get through this without them.  This baby is my everything, and I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe.  I know I have grown through this experience, and I have learned so much. Adoption is a beautiful thing.  I know I will see him again, and that he will always know of my love for him.

I only have one more month to get through.  It has been a long road thus far and I have a long road ahead.  But knowing that I am making a sacrifice for my son to have a better life, is what will get me through. He will always be loved.

No more childhood home...

At the end of the month my parents are moving from the house that I lived in since the age of 6.  To my surprise, it hasn't been too hard for me. I have lived away from home for about 4 years, so I think that I became a little detached in that time.  But the more I go over there and go through all of my old stuff, see the house becoming more and more empty, the more real it becomes. They really are moving, and I will miss my home. Its is a big house for only two people so it is for the best.  Right now my grandparents need their help, so that's where they will be, in North Ogden with my Grandparents. 

They have been trying to sale their house for a long time.  It is strange that it has finally  come time for them to pack up and leave after 20 years.  

New Job!

I started a new job this month, working for the University of Utah Healthcare Department of Pediatrics. I have only been there for 2 1/2 weeks, but so far I like it a lot.  Great benefits, more pay, and all in all a great place to work.  I feel so blessed lately, and it has all happened right when I needed it the most. 

Mt. Timpanogos Hike of Death!

 Last month my friends and I hiked to the top of Mt. Timpanogos.  I thought that I was going to die! In fact I still think a little part of me is up there on the mountain...BUT I survived and I am glad that I did it. It feels good to have made it, and it is an experience I will cherish for a life time... The good and the bad parts!

I had to stop along the way and say a little pray because I was so ready to quit...It basically went like this "thank you for my health, please bless that  I don't die."  It worked, even though at times I didn't feel like it was.

I saw mountain goats for the first time! It amazes me how they are able to climb....




And the leaves had just started to change color, it was truly a beautiful sight. So grateful for god's wonderful creation!

My Little Man

Who needs a man when you have this little one?? I love him to pieces. Nothing better, then the love of a little person :)

I want results, and I want them NOW!

I was not blessed with patience, it is one of my biggest faults. When I want something, I want it ASAP! I have been trying to get in shape, eat better, and lose a little weight. I'm not huge by any means but I am not the skinny minnie I was in high school (yeah I know, it was high school blah blah blah).

So here is my problem. I try really hard for a couple weeks and have one day of weakness, when running or working out just doesn't sound very fun, and I am not seeing any results so I get discouraged, and I do nothing. And then I go a few more days without doing anything, and the frustration sets in even more. Its a vicious cycle, no wonder nothing is happening. BIG SIGH!

I feel like I have plenty of things to motivate me 1. I am very self conscious about the way I look, sometimes I hate going out because I just don't feel good about myself. I love myself on the inside but not on the out. I hate going shopping because all I see everywhere I look, is skinny b@#$%es and it makes me feel worse. I envy them! No I shouldn't feel that way, no I shouldn't envy them, but I am not perfect. 2. I want the energy and to be able to do things I used to be able to do. 3. I want to be happy with the way I look so I have more confidence in myself. I hate feeling the way I do, I would think that is motivation enough, right? So why is it so hard to get myself to get off my butt everyday and do it?

Anyway, I have been reading this book called "Run Your Butt Off" and its just a guide to get started. I am on the third week running plan, and I am determined to keep it up (fingers crossed that my head doesn't get to me). I want to run a few 5k's to see if I can beat my time from last November and then hopefully move on to other bigger races. Hopefully one day a half marathon at least.

But I still want results now! (I better start seeing them soon!)

I just have to wait and be patient and put in the effort.

So if any of you have tips on how to keep my motivation going, PLEASE HELP!