Here's to a New Year, and a New Starting Point

To say that 2013 was a hard year would be an understatement.  In fact, 2013 has been by far the hardest, most gut wrenching, and heart aching year of my life.  As it is coming to a close, I can only have faith and hope that 2014 will be a better year of peace, healing and clarity.

One month ago, I gave birth to the most precious, beautiful and perfect baby boy you could imagine. Two days later I placed him in the arms of his new mother, leaving me with a gaping hole in my heart.  Watching my baby leave, and going home empty handed is the hardest thing I will ever do! But, I got to spend two of the most amazing days of my life loving on him, holding him, being his mom, and watching my family come together.  He is loved by so many!

I miss him so much. I see others with small babies and I want to cry. I really don't like those of you with babies or having babies. I don't say that to be mean, I will get over it, but for now I don't like you because it hurts, and its a reminder of what I had and no longer have.

This first month has been incredibly hard for me. A lot harder than I ever imagined.  I have felt every emotion possible and I have had to remind myself why I did this.  It wasn't because I didn't love him or want him. Could I have taken care of him? Yes, I could have. But I wanted to give him a life that I couldn't provide, a life with two loving parents who could provide for his needs better than I.  It kills me every day, that I couldn't be the one to give my sweet boy that life. But he is in a good home, with great people who I love and know will be good to him. I know he is safe and loved and that brings me peace.

For whatever reason, God chose me to bring Baby J to Jeff and Jenny.  Despite the pain, I have learned so much about love and sacrifice.  If I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't have chosen a better life for him. As I have been pondering the life of our Savior the last few days, I have realized that - although I feel alone and no one could possibly understand what I am going through- the Savior truly has felt my pain.  Not only that, but Our Father in Heaven too knows of my pain, as his son died on a cross for all of us. Though not everyone may believe, I have had it reaffirmed to me as I felt of their love at a time when I was feeling alone and unsure. I will undoubtably still feel an aching, and emptiness, but through God and our Savior I will heal a little each day. He has placed many people in my life who have been great blessings, and have been there for me and still are there for me every step of the way.

I recieved a blessing from my dad before signing adoption papers; here is part of it "I bless you to see that this is not an ending, but a starting point.  This is a beautiful time for you. You are loved by many people her on earth and you are loved by God our Father."  It has been a good reminder for me, that not only did I make this decision out of complete love for Baby J, but for me as well. So that I could take charge of my own life, and be a person that he can be proud to call his Birth mom .

So, let 2014 be my starting point. 

Due date is fast approaching!

Two weeks from yesterday is when this little boy is supposed to make his appearance.  This last month has been really hard on me physically, but I am starting to feel it even more emotionally now.

I have been waiting, for what feels like an eternity, for this roller coaster to end. I want to be able to breath normally, WALK normally, and just feel normal again. I have enjoyed feeling his movements and being able to bond with him, but I am to that point of discomfort where the end is just so much more appealing.

In the last couple of days, as the time is drawing closer, I have realized that my time with this sweet boy is coming to an end. I have always known that it would come, and that it was going to be extremely hard, but I don't know that I have ever really let myself think too much about what it will look like. Maybe, I have been trying to avoid anymore pain by trying to make the best of the situation.  

Suddenly, I feel even less prepared than I did before. I'm not only afraid of the unknown of delivery but of the unknown emotions that are going to be there and be very real. I imagine there will be emotions that I have not yet felt, and it makes me a little nervous.  

I still have no doubts in my mind that what I am doing is the right thing for my baby boy.  But, I have to come to terms with the fact that it will be hard, and its not going to get easier over night. The pain will still be there, long after placement, and some days will be better than others. The thing I have to remember is that I have family and friends that love me and are there for me.  Even more importantly that I have a Father in Heaven who has not left my side once, even at times when I haven't always made him a priority in my life. 

There were times in the beginning that I would have given anything for a miscarriage. I knew I would be sad, but it would have saved me from telling my family, and avoiding all of this heartache.  But that would have been the easy way out, and what would I have learned from that?  Would I still be the same person I was? Would I have grown at all?  Probably not, and the Lord knew that I needed this, and he knew that I could do it (with his help).  So, I have to carry on and be strong for this child.

Sorry, for all the baby talk, but it's kind of all that's ever on my mind lately. He is my life right now, THIS is my life right now. I am extremely blessed, despite the hurt. I'm proud to be his birth mom :)

Ultimate Sacrifice

Around 2:00 am on a Saturday morning about 8 months ago, my life drastically changed. Single and living in Salt Lake City I had just found out that I was pregnant. I felt like my world had crumbled beneath me. As Juno would say "That little pink plus sign is so unholy." Only in my case it was a blue plus sign, and yes it was so unholy. I was terrified, and had no idea what to do or who to tell.  Never in my life had I imagined this happening to me. I was so afraid to tell my parents and see their disappointment. I literally have never felt more alone and scared in my life.  All I can remember is calapsing to the ground in tears and praying that it wasn't real. As soon as I gained some control of my emotions I sent a text to my cousins wife. I knew I could trust them and they wouldn't judge me in anyway. Being in Utah and an active member of the LDS church, judgement is what I was most afraid of.

After a sleepless night, I went to my cousins house to seek comfort and advice.  My cousin then took me to the dollar store to get 5 more pregnancy tests. All were positive. After spending the entire day with them, I went home and prayed for comfort.  I just needed to know that I would be ok, and I did feel that comfort. I still had no idea what I was going to do. It was a couple weeks before I told anyone else in my family.  I called my brother who I have always been really close with and told him. He and his wife suggested that I tell my older brother so that I had some support close by.  It was another week or two before I told him, and then another week before I told my parents.  During all of this, my first thought was that I would keep the baby and try to make things with the father work. But I was so unhappy with him, I knew I couldn't do it.  The same day that I told my parents, I broke up with him.  Shortly after that I moved back in with my parents.

Still unsure of what I was going to do, I met with LDS Family Services.  They went over all of my options and educated me in each.  There was no pressure in which direction I should take.  The decision was all mine.  If I wanted to single parent they would help me single parent, if I wanted to place for adoption they would help me with that as well. Abortion was never an option for me. So, my journey began. 

I started meeting with my case worker.  She would give me things to do to try and help me with making a decision.  I weighed the pros and cons of each, but it was still hard to try and make that decision.  I had always wanted to be a mom, but I never wanted it to be this way.  I knew it was going to be hard to single parent.  I was barely making enough to live on my own and take care of myself and a baby. After a couple of months I made my decision. I had gone to my first support group which was a panel of birth mothers who were telling their stories. Each one touched me in a different way. I knew then that I wanted to give my baby a life that I couldn't provide.  In the back of my mind I think I always knew that this was the right thing for me to do, but it was too hard to face.  After a tearful drive home, I prayed seeking peace and comfort knowing that I had now made my decision. It wasn't immediate, but I did eventually feel at peace, and I have been at peace with my decision ever since.

I went through the process of choosing a couple to place my baby with, and found a great couple who I know will love and take care of him.  This has not been easy for me. It causes a lot of heartache knowing this boy that is constantly squirming around will not be mine.  But what a wonderful gift I am giving to someone else who would not otherwise be able to have children.  Being 26 almost 27 and placing a baby for adoption seems so strange.  I know I could take care of this baby, but it would be a hard life.  It is because I love him and want him to have a happy life that I have made this decision.  I have been blessed with incredibly supportive family and friends.  I could not get through this without them.  This baby is my everything, and I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe.  I know I have grown through this experience, and I have learned so much. Adoption is a beautiful thing.  I know I will see him again, and that he will always know of my love for him.

I only have one more month to get through.  It has been a long road thus far and I have a long road ahead.  But knowing that I am making a sacrifice for my son to have a better life, is what will get me through. He will always be loved.