Here's to a New Year, and a New Starting Point

To say that 2013 was a hard year would be an understatement.  In fact, 2013 has been by far the hardest, most gut wrenching, and heart aching year of my life.  As it is coming to a close, I can only have faith and hope that 2014 will be a better year of peace, healing and clarity.

One month ago, I gave birth to the most precious, beautiful and perfect baby boy you could imagine. Two days later I placed him in the arms of his new mother, leaving me with a gaping hole in my heart.  Watching my baby leave, and going home empty handed is the hardest thing I will ever do! But, I got to spend two of the most amazing days of my life loving on him, holding him, being his mom, and watching my family come together.  He is loved by so many!

I miss him so much. I see others with small babies and I want to cry. I really don't like those of you with babies or having babies. I don't say that to be mean, I will get over it, but for now I don't like you because it hurts, and its a reminder of what I had and no longer have.

This first month has been incredibly hard for me. A lot harder than I ever imagined.  I have felt every emotion possible and I have had to remind myself why I did this.  It wasn't because I didn't love him or want him. Could I have taken care of him? Yes, I could have. But I wanted to give him a life that I couldn't provide, a life with two loving parents who could provide for his needs better than I.  It kills me every day, that I couldn't be the one to give my sweet boy that life. But he is in a good home, with great people who I love and know will be good to him. I know he is safe and loved and that brings me peace.

For whatever reason, God chose me to bring Baby J to Jeff and Jenny.  Despite the pain, I have learned so much about love and sacrifice.  If I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't have chosen a better life for him. As I have been pondering the life of our Savior the last few days, I have realized that - although I feel alone and no one could possibly understand what I am going through- the Savior truly has felt my pain.  Not only that, but Our Father in Heaven too knows of my pain, as his son died on a cross for all of us. Though not everyone may believe, I have had it reaffirmed to me as I felt of their love at a time when I was feeling alone and unsure. I will undoubtably still feel an aching, and emptiness, but through God and our Savior I will heal a little each day. He has placed many people in my life who have been great blessings, and have been there for me and still are there for me every step of the way.

I recieved a blessing from my dad before signing adoption papers; here is part of it "I bless you to see that this is not an ending, but a starting point.  This is a beautiful time for you. You are loved by many people her on earth and you are loved by God our Father."  It has been a good reminder for me, that not only did I make this decision out of complete love for Baby J, but for me as well. So that I could take charge of my own life, and be a person that he can be proud to call his Birth mom .

So, let 2014 be my starting point.