Due date is fast approaching!

Two weeks from yesterday is when this little boy is supposed to make his appearance.  This last month has been really hard on me physically, but I am starting to feel it even more emotionally now.

I have been waiting, for what feels like an eternity, for this roller coaster to end. I want to be able to breath normally, WALK normally, and just feel normal again. I have enjoyed feeling his movements and being able to bond with him, but I am to that point of discomfort where the end is just so much more appealing.

In the last couple of days, as the time is drawing closer, I have realized that my time with this sweet boy is coming to an end. I have always known that it would come, and that it was going to be extremely hard, but I don't know that I have ever really let myself think too much about what it will look like. Maybe, I have been trying to avoid anymore pain by trying to make the best of the situation.  

Suddenly, I feel even less prepared than I did before. I'm not only afraid of the unknown of delivery but of the unknown emotions that are going to be there and be very real. I imagine there will be emotions that I have not yet felt, and it makes me a little nervous.  

I still have no doubts in my mind that what I am doing is the right thing for my baby boy.  But, I have to come to terms with the fact that it will be hard, and its not going to get easier over night. The pain will still be there, long after placement, and some days will be better than others. The thing I have to remember is that I have family and friends that love me and are there for me.  Even more importantly that I have a Father in Heaven who has not left my side once, even at times when I haven't always made him a priority in my life. 

There were times in the beginning that I would have given anything for a miscarriage. I knew I would be sad, but it would have saved me from telling my family, and avoiding all of this heartache.  But that would have been the easy way out, and what would I have learned from that?  Would I still be the same person I was? Would I have grown at all?  Probably not, and the Lord knew that I needed this, and he knew that I could do it (with his help).  So, I have to carry on and be strong for this child.

Sorry, for all the baby talk, but it's kind of all that's ever on my mind lately. He is my life right now, THIS is my life right now. I am extremely blessed, despite the hurt. I'm proud to be his birth mom :)