My Journey

The early morning of March 23, 2013 I came home from a movie, and in my purse awaiting my fate was a pregnancy test. I took the test and watched, as the result to the scariest test of my life, slowly appeared. As a blue plus sign appeared my heart sank, I was single and dating a guy that I was sure that I did not love. Terrified, I collapsed to the floor in tears.  What in the world was I going to do? I couldn't tell my parents, not yet. I was so alone! How could I have been so stupid and irresponsible? I prayed and prayed that it wasn't real. This is not how I wanted to bring a child into the world. I never in my life imagined this happening to me!

A month went by before I could bring myself to tell my parents. I had already told two of my brothers and my cousin, because of course I needed some support. My oldest brother went with me to tell my parents. I am a people pleaser, I HATE to disappoint anyone, especially my parents.  I can tell you that's one conversation I never want to have again. It was so hard to tell what they were thinking, but I know it wasn't what they were expecting, because lets face it I'm an ANGEL ;)  They were upset that they weren't the first to know, but like I said I didn't want to disappoint them, so I wanted to make sure it was really all happening before I could tell them. There were times that I would have given anything for a miscarriage. I knew that it would have been hard, but I thought it would be better than bringing a life into the world that I wasn't ready for and with a guy that I didn't want to be with.  I was afraid that I would be getting married and having a baby all in one year.  But thankfully I realized how unhappy I was in the relationship I was in.

I was living in Salt Lake City, and my parents told me that I should move home with them. So, in May I moved home. I knew abortion was never an option for me.  I have wanted to be a mom basically my entire life, I just never wanted it to be this way.  I didn't have any idea what I was going to do. Abortion was out, marriage was out, so that left single parenting, or adoption.  I made an appointment with a case worker at LDS Family Services, and me and my mom went to become educated in all of my options as a single mom to be.  She informed us that there were classes for single parenting, and support groups for both single parents and birth parents. She also let us know, that it was completely my decision and that they would be there to help in whatever I decided. And after the baby was born they weren't going to just forget about me and leave me on my own. I would say that is when my journey began, and when my life really started to change.

I started meeting every other week with my case worker.  Each time she would give me homework, she had me weigh the pros and cons of single parenting and adoption, she had me go shopping as though I had a brand new baby and write down the prices of everything, and then I had to put a budget together. I was so torn because I knew financially and emotionally I wasn't ready to take care of a child on my own, but I have wanted to be a mom for so long. My patriarchal blessing says that my calling in life is to be a mom, and lets be honest, I'm not getting any younger.  I'm in my late twenties now, I could really do this if I wanted to.

I went to my 12 week appointment and heard the heart beat for the first time, and I started to cry.  There was a living person growing inside of me. This was really happening! As if I really needed one more thing to make this harder on me. My love for my child grew so much more at that time.

Shortly after that, I believe it was the first part of June, I went to my first support group. I had been meeting with my case worker for a few weeks but had yet to go to any of the support groups.  This one was a special one.  They had a panel of birth mothers telling their stories, and all the hopeful adoptive couples were required to be there to hear their stories. For me it was very emotional listening to their stories and feeling of the love they had for their children. It had changed each and every one of them in so many ways.  As I listened to them, I thought in my mind 'Is this what I want for my child? This baby deserves so much more than I can give to him/her. I want to be someone he/she can be proud of, am I really in a good place to take care of this baby?' My heart ached.  I left quickly after it ended and drove home in tears. I felt like I knew what I was supposed to do.  I thought that was my answer, but I wasn't sure, I don't think I wanted that to be it. So, I went home and cried to my mom. Then I went into my room and knelt down and prayed for confirmation and peace. I really just wanted my answer right then, I wanted to know FOR SURE! The next day, I felt more at peace but still wasn't sure if I had gotten my answer. I was expecting something more than peace, but then my sister told me that sometimes that's all it is. If I had made the wrong decision then God would let me know and he wouldn't let me continue on in the wrong decision.

The next week I met with my case worker and let her know that I had chosen to place my baby for adoption. She had me start looking at adoptive couples and sent me home with different birth mom stories to read. I had a few couples that I was interested in but was scared to email any of them.  I was afraid of this next decision of finding the perfect couple for my baby.

Then one day I was at work and my coworker was helping me look through them, and she sent me Jeff and Jenny's profile. I really liked them, something just clicked and I felt a connection with them. So without even talking to my case worker I emailed them. She was so excited to hear from me and I was so excited that she was excited! I thought I should try talking to some other couples to just compare, for some reason though, I just kept thinking of my baby living with them.  So we kept emailing back and forth and I told them I would let them know when I found out what I was having.

July came, and it was time for my 20 week ultrasound. I was so excited to find out what I was having, I didn't even think about how hard it was going to be.  I loved seeing my baby, again it became so real, I had life inside of me. Then when the tech told me I was having a boy, I couldn't help but cry.  This boy wasn't going to be mine to raise. My mom held my hand and we cried together. I can't describe the feelings of joy and sadness that I felt all at once.

In August I met with Jeff and Jenny, it  was so comfortable and they were so great! I walked away feeling like I knew they were who I wanted to place my baby boy with. I couldn't wait to tell them, I wanted to find a cute way to let them know, and since they were far away I just put together an e-card and had my dad write a poem letting them know that I chose them.  They were so excited, and it felt so good to know of the gift I was giving to them.  It all felt so bittersweet.

The next step was getting the birth father to cooperate and sign papers. But I hadn't heard from him since June when I told him that I was planning to place. He thought that I didn't want the baby and that it wasn't my decision to make a lone. But when I asked him to call LDS Family services he never did and I never heard from him. So, he was sent a letter stating he had 30 days to assert his rights, and if he didn't file paper work in that time then his rights would be terminated. Those 30 days were very stressful for me, I was filled with anxiety.  I didn't want him to ruin this for me, it was already hard enough as it was. But the deadline came and he never did anything.  However, a week later I heard from both his mom and his sister. They weren't about to let it be over.  They wanted to adopt my baby. Not understanding at all my reasoning for my decision. They also believed that it was that I didn't want my baby. How wrong they were. How could someone just assume that I didn't love my child? I love my baby more than life itself which is why I am putting his needs first. Anyway, to make a long story short, I dealt with them for a couple of weeks, and finally by some miracle they dropped it. I never heard from them again.

By this time I only have a few more weeks left. My due date was November 24th (my birthday).  I was getting really anxious to be done with all the discomfort. I was anxious for the unknown, I wanted to know when he was going to come. I wanted to meet him, and I wanted, what I thought would be the hardest part, to be over.

During all of this time, I was so grateful for the people at group, and all of the amazing birth moms I had met.  I felt like they were helping me get through this process, and I don't know how I would have gotten through some of my fears without them.  It was such a blessing to be able to get advice and bounce ideas off people who had already been through what I was about to go through.  These women are truly amazing and I know God put them in my life to help me through.

At 38 weeks I was dilated 2cm and 60% effaced, everyone was sure that he was going to come any day. But I went another week, and I was still about the same at 39 weeks. They were all shocked that I was at group that week. Sunday was my birthday/due date, and still no baby.

Two days later on Tuesday November 26, 2013 I woke up at 2:30 not feeling well.  I got up and went into the bathroom, and when I laid back down, I started having contractions.  I grabbed my phone and started to time them. I waited about an hour before I went in an woke up my mom.  They weren't terribly consistent but they weren't very far apart either.  At about 4:30 we left for the hospital. When they checked me I was dilated 4cm and about 70% effaced, in active labor, thank goodness (I really didn't want to be sent home).

They admitted me, but my contractions stayed 2-3 mins apart for a few hours. Then they broke my water and started me on pitocin. After that things progressed pretty quickly and at 3:16 pm, my beautiful baby boy was born. All I could do was cry.  I don't remember seeing him until the nurse handed him to me, but he was perfect, and I cried some more.

They moved me to another room, and I was so tired that I could barley even comprehend what just happened. Did I really just have a baby? They gave me some skin on skin time with him and he just clung to me.  The pediatrician came in to check him and he didn't want to be moved. We were both so comfortable. It felt so natural to have him snuggled up to me.

It still hadn't really hit me, I was still trying to process everything. I didn't get much sleep that night, I was up with him a lot. Every noise he made I felt like I needed check on him. But he wasn't upset, he was just making noises most of the time perfectly content, unless he was hungry.

The next day, my whole family came to be with me while I signed papers.  My mind was finally starting to process. Yes, I just gave birth to the sweetest baby ever, and I only get these couple of days with him as MY baby boy, My Buddy!  My dad and brothers gave me a blessing right before I signed.  As my case worker was reading the papers to me and I was acknowledging that I understood, that's when I really started to feel the pain and the ache in my heart.  I'm signing away my parental rights to my boy, my perfect baby boy! The tears started to flow, and I could barely see as I was signing each line.  When I was done, my family surrounded me, held my hand, hugged and comforted me as I cried.  My family and I spent time with him that day, while the couple was doing all of their paperwork. He was mine until the next day at discharge and placement.

I spent most of that night awake with him, holding him and loving him. My family came back that morning (Thanksgiving) to be with me and to say goodbye. I sent everyone out of the room, to give me time to be alone with him.  I told him how much I loved him, and that I was doing this for him, to give him a better chance at life, to have both a mom and dad who love him.  I held him close, and never wanted to let him go. I fell completely in love, head over heels for My Buddy. I have never felt so much love for anyone in my entire life.

My family and Jeff and Jenny came back in. They were just finishing up our discharge, and going over everything with Jeff and Jenny, and then I knew it was time. I let my family say their goodbyes,  I kissed my baby boy one last time and handed him to his new mom. We watched as they put him in his car seat, and walked out the door.  My heart was completely broken. As soon as the door closed I broke down, my mom and sister were basically holding me up. He was gone, my Buddy was gone and I wanted him back. My dad and brothers hugged me, and we got ready to leave.  At this point, nothing could stop the tears. I missed him already. I wasn't sure if I would ever get over the pain.

It has been 8 weeks, he will be 2 months old on Sunday.  I can't believe how fast time flies. It feels like just yesterday.  It still hurts every day, but its getting a little easier. I have my triggers, and I miss him like crazy, but I survived and I am learning to get through it. My adoption is semi-open with pics and emails occasionally, and I hope to be able to see him sometime when I am ready.  It has been a little hard to get pictures, because I just want to be with him. But I know he is with good people in a good home. It doesn't always make it any easier, but I did this because I love him and I know he will always know of my love.

I wouldn't have been able to get through this without the love and support of so many people. My family, friends, my birth mom friends, and my Heavenly Father.  I would be so lost without them.

My sweet boy has changed my life forever. He has made me a better, stronger person, and I owe so much to him.  He is my world, and I only hope that one day he will be proud to call me his Birth mom.

I love you so very very much sweet boy.

Love your Birth Momma Lindsey