Courage

Three months into 2013 my life had completely changed over night.  It was a change that I wasn't proud of, and a change that I didn't want people to know about. Unfortunately, it wasn't something that I could hide for very long, and eventually became something that I could no longer deny was happening.  I was single and pregnant, and other than close friends and family I never intended on telling anyone. I planned on hiding and avoiding people at all costs. If I saw someone I knew at the store, I would quickly duck my head, turn, and walk the other way as fast as I could. I didn't want to explain myself, and most of all I feared judgement. I'll admit it, I was ashamed of myself.

Early into my second trimester I made the decision to place my baby for adoption.  It was a hard, painful decision, and probably the most selfless decision I have ever made in my life. I was putting my baby first, but I still didn't want people to know. It's something very personal, sacred, and painful. Why should I have to explain myself, and deal with people who I was sure would judge me? So, I went on pretending life was normal, like nothing HUGE was happening in my life.

In mid October, my little brother got home from his mission. I was 8 months pregnant and he was to report on his mission at my old home ward in Fruit Heights. I knew if I went, there would be people there that I absolutely didn't want to see. So, I contemplated going, but in the end decided to go and support my brother. I stayed seated for most of the time and avoided eye contact with pretty much everyone. As soon as sacrament ended, I bolted out of there. But, I knew that people had seen me. My mom got questioned and I knew I couldn't keep hiding.

A week after that, a month before my due date I did something I never thought I would do. I made myself vulnerable, and I opened up about my story and what was happening in my life. I shared it on my blog and posted it to Facebook.  I was terrified of all the negative comments I was going to get, but mostly I was sure no one would read it. I was tired of being ashamed, and I realized that I had no reason to be, because I was doing something amazing that not many people can do. It was shaping my life, and turning me into a stronger, more courageous woman. What's there to be ashamed of?

I was amazed at all the love, support, and positive comments I received. No judgement at all! I was completely shocked, but so relieved.  I felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders. I didn't have to keep hiding, and it felt so liberating! From that day on I decided to share my story, as hard as it might be. I still have a hard time with it, especially now that I have placed. Three months from placement and it's still so very fresh, and sharing brings up a lot of pain but, I also find it to be somewhat healing and therapeutic. So, I will continue to share in hopes that my story, and my journey can touch others and help them in their own lives. It has truly been an amazing, spiritual experience and hardship, and I wouldn't take it back.